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‘Blender’ Finds a New Boyfriend for Avril Lavigne. His Name Is Jack Daniels

From the June issue.

Best proof Avril hasn't lost her sense of humor and/or may be less smart than we think: "Lavigne claims, 'I used to drink like a motherfucker. But I'm way more mature now … I don't drink that much … only in moderation.' So when's the last time you puked? 'Last week.'"

Best reason for Avril to get older: She spent her last birthday drinking Jäger shots, drunken scooter-driving, and throwing up on the side of the road.

Best metaphor for her music and/or unintentional suggestion for an Avril-themed drink: "Christmas candy canes dissolved in Red Bull spiked with Everclear."

Best reason to believe her marriage to Sum 41's Deryck Whibley will last: "Whibley, apparently, doesn't get too freaked out if Avril barfs in both the 'hers and his' bathrooms in their new house."

Best reason why her song "I Can Do Better" is so friggin' awesome (hic!): She drank an entire bottle of Limoncello while recording it.

Best peace offerings made by Blender in return for topless photo shoot: Champagne, Jack Daniels.

Total references to mind-altering substances: 29