Vulture

Skip to content, or skip to search.

‘House’ Differential Diagnosis: There's No Problem That Can't Be Solved By a Good Bludgeoning

Courtesy of Fox

Each week in Differential Diagnosis, we'll recap last night's episode of House the way the good doctor and his team would do it. This time we're holding the Sharpie.

The Situation
Teen chess whiz (and total dick) goes ballistic then collapses. Somebody sabotages Foreman’s job interview — either to get him to stay or convince him to leave.

Symptoms
• House mocks his opponents; kid mocks opponents, then bludgeons them.
• House needles Foreman for being black; kid needles Foreman for being black and gay.
• House’s employees resent him; kid’s own mother hates him.
• House is a pill-popping jerk; kid is a ‘shroom-munching jackass.
• Kid: “I can walk.” House: “I don’t bleed out of my penis.”

Initial Diagnosis
Hypogonadism — is mini-House actually the bigger dick, or is it just his shrunken testicles?

Secondary Symptoms
• Foreman pouts but still ends up helping with the case.
• Cuddy offers Foreman double pay and his own team — he turns it down.
• Wilson says House needs Foreman because everyone else loves or fears House too much to challenge him.
• Foreman wants House to ask him to stay. Instead, House tells him he isn’t ready to go it alone.

Final diagnosis
Hypotension: House writers, we know Foreman’s not leaving. You know we know Foreman’s not leaving. We know you know we know Foreman’s not leaving … but couldn’t you at least maintain some real doubt? For three seasons you’ve threatened changes that never lasted … now you’re not even threatening? —Jordana and Sean Williams