At ‘The Onion,’ a Momentous Crossover

From left, Anchower; B. Photo: Courtesy of The Onion

Much to our surprise, few have remarked on one of the most significant cultural events of our lifetime, which occurred just last week: an unprecedented crossover of Onion op-ed columnists into each other's worlds. It turns out that stoner Onion columnist Jim Anchower is dating the ex-girlfriend of ladies’ man and fellow Onion columnist Smoove B. The love triangle was made public inadvertently, as neither columnist — Smoove, with "Girl, That Man Ain’t Right for You," and Anchower, with "I’m Totally Dating a Black Chick" — indicated awareness that they were writing about one another. Smoove identified his rival only as a man “wearing a winter hat in the middle of the summer.” (“What kind of man does this?” he asked. “The summer is a time to dress in light silk finery.”) In Anchower’s column, Smoove appeared as an anonymous caller who told him that his girl was “nothing but trouble” and told him there would be serious consequences if he “freaked her doggy-style.” (“Until then, I hadn’t thought about how I was going to freak her one way or the other,” he noted.)

Will the satirical newspaper censor its employees? After all, most media outlets maintain a gentleman's code prohibiting colleagues from criticizing each other. In response to our queries, an Onion staffer replied: “Our editorial-page editor has gone to great lengths to make sure that Jim Anchower and Smoove B don’t know that their columns are published in the same newspaper. We’d appreciate it if you could help us keep it quiet.” —Ben Mathis-Lilley