We Write the Inevitable ‘Simpsons’ Musical

Photo: Courtesy of Fox

In the grand tradition of Hairspray and The Producers, The Simpsons Movie is sure to one day inspire a stage musical based on the film. (Eventually, that stage musical will become a movie musical.) But what will it be about? And what songs will they use? Depends on what kind of musical they want to make! We're here to write — and score — a couple of the traditional Broadway options.

1. The family musical. In which the delicate relationships betweens fathers and sons are parsed through the songs of Homer and Grandpa Simpson and Krusty the Clown and Rabbi Krustofski.
Title: Fathers and Simpsons
Songs: "The Love-Matic Grandpa," "Like Father, Like Clown," and "It Was A Very Good Beer."

2. The historical musical. In which the story of Springfield is told by members of its community.
Title: Red, White, and Springfield.
Songs include: "We Put the Spring in Springfield," "The Ballad of Jebediah Springfield," and "Round Springfield."

3. The meta-musical. Jukebox musicals don't need stories! They need familiar hits strung together on a thin, tenuous plotline that you'll forget seconds after the lights come up. They need catchy numbers that have nothing to do with other catchy numbers. They need in-jokes poking fun at viewers for their own bad taste. Sounds like The Simpsons to us!
Title: Matt Groening Presents: The Simpsons! The TV Show! The Movie! On Ice! The Musical!

Scene: Springfield, present day.

Narrator: I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from other jukebox musicals such as Over It: A Night With Billy Joel or Mutter and Strum: The Bob Dylan Mummzmmmrr. Tonight we'll introduce you to all of our favorite Springfield neighbors. So just sit back and sing along to songs you've heard a million times already but just paid $100 to see performed by people you've never heard of wearing yellow face paint!"

Interior: Simpsons living room. MARGE, HOMER, BART, LISA and MAGGIE are sitting on the couch.

Bart: Hey, whatever happened to Cletus? (Blackout.)

Outskirts of Springfield. A man is picking through cans at the dump. He looks up, sees the crowd, and waves. He then sings "Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel."

Interior: Simpsons living room. MARGE, HOMER, BART, LISA and MAGGIE are sitting on the couch.

Marge: Too bad the Van Houtens had to move. Kirk and Luann were such a nice couple. (Blackout.)

Interior. Simpsons living room. LUANN stands with her back to KIRK, who stretches the mike cord from a karaoke machine toward her and begins to sing "Can I Borrow a Feeling?"

…And so on, until three hours have passed. —Aileen Gallagher