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apropos of nothing

Who Will Condoleezza Rice Play in ‘The Dark Knight’?

I can has unchecked executive power?Photo: Getty Images (Rice), iStockphoto (Kittens)


Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont just revealed that he has a part in The Dark Knight, the next Batman movie. From the Daily News: “The longtime Batman fan would reveal little about his role other than he is called the ‘distinguished gentleman.’” Distinguished gentleman, we thought to ourselves, that sounds like a euphemism for a villain. We don't know much about this Leahy character, but you don't have to be a smart-alecky writer to realize that many pols would make natural evildoers. In fact, being smart-alecky writers, we've dreamed up a few roles we can imagine certain politicians playing in future Batman sequels. —Nick Catucci

Barack Obama, the Face: Not to be confused with Face, the handsome member of the A-Team, the Face charms his victims with a mere glance, inspiring them to open their checkbooks and fund the relatively anonymous villain's quest for absolute power.

George W. Bush, W: Though he is highly dangerous, this villain is also illiterate, and so unable to spell any name longer than one letter. In fact, despite being called W, he often signs off on evil documents with a simple “X.”

Karl Rove, Turd Thrower: Reporting on the recent departure of President Bush's top adviser, talking heads delighted in reminding us of the president's nickname for Rove, “Turd Blossom.” Turd Thrower, sidekick to W, shamelessly flings his own radioactive “mud” at anyone who dare challenge his master.

Hillary Clinton, Three Face: This mutant is a master of defense and secrecy, with powers much greater than that of her predecessor, Two Face. Ordinary citizens who encounter her are immediately paralyzed as she shape-shifts before their eyes.

Ted Kennedy, Capillary Breaker: Blustery but mostly harmless, this libertine swills a toxic liquid whose special properties bursts the capillaries in the nose of anyone standing near him when he exhales. Needless to say, he has deformed his own face over the years.

Condoleezza Rice, Cat Lady: Focused on accumulating power, Catwoman's older sister has sacrificed the pleasures that the power of seduction may have once brought her. She does, however, command a fierce army of felines rescued from the pound.