You Guys, Zac Efron Really Needs Us Right Now

Can't you monsters see he's suffering?Photo: Getty Images

We've been brutally honest in reporting on Zac Efron's adorable badassery lo these many days, but it was out of love — and a concern for kids certain to be overwhelmed were they to lay eyes upon the rugged yet hairless terrain that is his upper body. But once again the bloodsucking media (we're glancing haughtily in your direction, bloggers) have seen fit to tear down a star as he rapidly ascends to the heavenly throne of popular culture that is his right. The hate, we can shut out. But our young (so young) protagonist? The negative attention is tearing Zac Efron apart.

The lameosphere uncorked the Haterade last week, gleefully reporting on the fact that Zac was seen driving an Oldsmobile — and not a new Oldsmobile. How could Zac, symbol of all that is youthful and pure in a wrinkly ol' nation we generally think of as lolling about in its own waste, be anything but totally charming driving around in a beater? This morning the attacks intensified, with TMZ merrily relaying dumb, stupid David Spade who is old saying, "That little Zac Efron is taking over the world and I don't like it" after Sunday's Teen Choice Awards. “So what,” you say, “ZE can handle all the invective flung his way. He's young and muscular.” Watch this video and tell us if you're still thinking that. For at least 45 seconds, while the paparazzi plead to see his pearly, spellbinding whites, Zac does not crack so much as a shy little grin. And then he does. But in those interminable seconds, that endless smile-free interlude, we saw the face of God, and he was saying, “Zac Efron is too good for all you haters. Y'all best step off!” —Nick Catucci