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apropos of nothing

‘Saw’ Sequels: Not Schlocky Enough!

Courtesy of Lionsgate

Last weekend, Saw IV opened in the top spot at the box office, pulling in $32 million. Star Tobin Bell has confirmed that he’s signed on for two more sequels: “V's being written; VI is being written,” he said. Now, we have never seen more than two minutes of a Saw movie; we thought our closest encounter with the series was the time we peed in a Vitamin Water bottle to avoid having to walk through our living room to the bathroom as our roommate was watching Saw II with a lady friend, but we recently found out that he was in fact watching Hostel. Anyway, our point is, if the people want two more Saw movies, we don’t care one way or another. What we do have a problem with is the titles. Saw V? Saw VI?!! Come on, man! These are horror sequels!

Schlocky horror-sequel titles are among America’s finest contributions to civilization, and here we have a horror franchise that, it appears, will continue more or less indefinitely — and it’s as if they’re naming versions of Microsoft Word. (The fact that the series still features the original star and employs high production values, rather than increasingly-less-known actors and increasingly-more-crude-Claymation-based special effects, is also something of a disappointment.) If the franchise wants to draw our interest, they need to start releasing movies like Saw Takes Manhattan, Nightmare on Saw Avenue, The Saws Have Eyes, The Hills Have Saws, I Still Saw What You Did Last Summer (har!), Saw V in 5-D, or Alien vs. Predator vs. Jason vs. Saw.

Add your suggestions in the comments … or Saw will get you!!!* —Ben Mathis-Lilley, with additional reporting by Lori Fradkin

*We know the character’s name isn’t actually Saw.