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‘Ugly Betty’: So Much Joy, So Much Nausea

Must ... wipe blood from eyes ... and write caption ...

We’ll be honest: We lapsed on the Ugly Betty premiere. But some of you must be dying to know what happened — why else would you subject yourselves to the tastes of the colorblind stylists the show employs? So, a quick recap: Alexis and Daniel survived that cliffhanger of a car wreck, but Alexis has amnesia and doesn’t remember the last two years, including the sex change. Santos died, and little Justin is now an intern. Oh, and Wilhelmina is boning her bodyguard, Wayne. Drama! This week brought us so much joy — and nausea. On to a whole new season of fashion crimes, and of course, our new rules for the show's producers.

Sleeveless sweaters are not okay.
The show opens with Betty wearing a typically horrific outfit: patterned top, purple sweater vest, and ruffles. Ruffles, people! What’s worse, she’s talking to Marc, Wilhelmina’s très gay assistant who’s decked out in a red vest and purple tie. Our eyes are watering. Enter Betty’s nephew Justin in a sleeveless pullover and a polo shirt underneath. The colors: sky blue, navy, lime green, and yellow. Geek chic is one thing, but this is Urkel level.

When she's cuckolding her boss, Vanessa Williams should wear hot lingerie.
Finally — finally — the stylists figured out how to work with Vanessa Williams’s body, putting her in sexy lingerie instead of the trashy teddies she usually sports: She donned a nice, lacy number that showed off the right assets while doing the deed with her stud muffin. We're pleased to note that for once, the camera didn’t dip below girl’s thighs. If you can make Ms. Williams look chunky, what hope do the rest of us have?

If she's got boobs, dress them well.
Hilda, everyone’s favorite busty sister, would have done Heather from Rock of Love proud this week with her blue top, which, with its keyhole cutout, prominently showed off the girls. In a touching moment with Justin, as Hilda and he bonded over Santos, all we could think was, Whoa, knockers.

But as always, Betty’s writers redeem the show with nuggets of pure beauty. This episode's came from Marc, who we must admit, despite his blinding wardrobe, has grown on us. Here's him explaining why Amanda (a.k.a. the receptionist, a.k.a. the bottomless pit of a stomach) feels nothing for her dead mother’s dog: “’Tis true, you are a bitter monster inside.” It's as if he were describing us (a.k.a. the fashion police, a.k.a. the bottomless pits of disgust). — Amina Akhtar

Photo: Courtesy ABC