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apropos of nothing

Yes, ‘Beowulf’ Is a Technological Marvel—But How Does Angelina Jolie Look Naked?

Like this, pretty much.Courtesy of Paramount

The best-reviewed new film in theaters this weekend is Beowulf, Robert Zemeckis's visually astonishing adaptation of the Anglo-Saxon epic poem showcasing some groundbreaking new 3-D and motion-capture technologies. But mostly, though — as a few critics have noticed — Angelina Jolie is totally naked in it.

"You don’t need to wait for Angelina Jolie to rise from the vaporous depths naked and dripping liquid gold to know that this Beowulf isn’t your high school teacher’s Old English epic poem. You don’t even have to wait for the flying spears and airborne bodies that — if you watch the movie in one of the hundreds of theaters equipped with 3-D projection — will look as if they’re hurtling directly at your head. You could poke your eye out with one of those things! Which is precisely what I thought when I first saw Ms. Jolie’s jutting breasts too." Manohla Dargis, New York Times

"[T]his reptilian goddess makes a truly show-stopping entrance, her nude, gold-smeared body stalking into the frame on stiletto heels." Justin Chang, Variety

"If I were 13, Angelina Jolie would be plenty nude enough for me in this movie, animated or not." Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

"As played by Jolie, [Grendel's mother is] covered in nothing but iridescent gold with high heels for feet and a braid that whips around like a devil's tail. (Besides, if you had magical powers, wouldn't you turn yourself into naked Angelina Jolie?)" Christy Lemire, AP

"According to the ancient poem, which the script by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary follows very loosely, Beowulf must then confront Grendel's mother, a mystic siren who rises out of her cave in the person of a nude Angelina Jolie, dripping water off her body like golden chocolate. (I thought: They just added $30 million to the gross.)" Owen Gleberman, Entertainment Weekly

"[Grendel's] mom is played by Jolie, also stark naked, but … with liquid gold constantly camouflaging her naughty bits." Glen Kenny, Premiere

"[One] of the triumphs of this brave new motion-capture technology is to make Ms. Jolie's long-tailed devil in stiletto heels look buff naked without being undressed." Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

"Let's talk about Angelina Jolie, sheathed only in spray-on gold, with a wicked serpent's tail and stiletto heels built into her feet. Yes, she is Grendel's Mother — hot mama! — the malevolent matriarch who dwells in the cave with her oozy, unhappy, monster-boy." Stephen Rea, Philadelpia Inquirer

"Jolie’s monster looks like Jolie with gold liquid slowly running off her skin. Notice how Zemeckis cuts away from her right as the gold is about to fall off her nipples." Dan Lybarger, eFilmCritic.com

"Grendel's mother is shown full frontal but she has no visible nipples." James Berardinelli, Reelviews