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‘Ugly Betty’: This Week, the Crimes Are Against Humanity

We're beyond the looking glass here, folks.

Dear Ugly Betty,
For two seasons now we've put up with your hideous outfits, your bad plotlines, and ridiculous dialogue. (Betty's clothes in particular have given us migraines.) We soldiered on, mainly because our boss made us. But this time, this time you went too far: You made us watch a musical. A freaking musical. For the entire episode we had to endure Wicked. Really, ABC? Really? Okay, bitches, it's on.

This week, the crimes aren't just against fashion. They're against humanity.

Eyebrows are not caterpillars.
We get that Betty's ethnic and all, but not all brown girls have unibrows. Thanks for that wonderful stereotype, ABC. We're sure it will do wonders for all the little brown girls out there who don't look anything like their Barbie or Paris Hilton. Yes, little girls, you too will be cursed with bushy brows. Now go eat tacos like Betty does!

Interracial dating is risqué!
Wilhelmina's wedding theme is Ebony and Ivory. Get it? She's marrying a white dude! And when the wedding planner screws up the chocolates — instead of pairing white and black candies, she keeps the two types separate — it becomes an awful joke on segregation. We're so glad that in this tolerant age, free of people hanging symbolic nooses and such, that we can finally make lame jokes about segregation. What's that? The Jena Six? Oh … awkward.

Food is a substitute for … air.
First Amanda made us nauseous with her nonstop chowing. But this episode, Wilhelmina cut into our souls. Girl would not stop plowing through piles of food. By the halfway mark we nearly hurled. We understand that she was doing this to fit into a Vera Wang dress — we've starved for weeks to do that — but this is what tailors were made for. We'll never get that image of her gnawing on that chicken leg out of our heads.

This episode was so traumatic we don't want to remember any part of it. (Oh yeah, also: We had to watch Betty and Henry kiss. There is nothing worse than nerd love.) But we'll leave you with one nugget from Marc: “Wilhelmina treats all white people like slaves. It's something about payback.” —Amina Akhtar

Photo: Courtesy of ABC