Not being sportswriters, we never thought we'd have the good fortune of covering an awesome, real-live steroids scandal, but here we are writing a post about one — dream big, kids! Albany's Times Union is reporting that superstar entertainers Mary J. Blige, 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland, and Tyler Perry have been named in an ongoing, Albany-based investigation, and all have allegedly received recent shipments of steroids and/or human-growth hormones (we hope Wyclef kept his receipt), though none of them face charges. They've all declined comment except for Blige, whose spokeswoman told the Daily News, "Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids." As we all know from plenty of other scandals, though, this could be publicist-speak for "Mary J. Blige is so juiced right now she could punch a hole through a redwood tree."
The Internet has already responded to the allegations with some amusing Photoshop work, and that's all well and good. Now, though, it's probably time to start asking what this means for the stars' legacies. Were it not for anabolic steroids, might 50 Cent's latest album Curtis have sold even fewer copies than Kanye West's Graduation? Will the $21 million opening-weekend box-office for Perry's Why Did I Get Married? be forever marked with an asterisk? What, if anything, did Wyclef's reputed steroids enhance? Would Timbaland's solo album have been even crappier if he weren't (allegedly) stacking? (That last one was a trick question — nothing could have made Shock Value any worse.) Also, could Blige beat the home-run record if she tried? Man, we'd like to see that.