With Los Angeles smothered by a record-breaking heat wave, everyone on The L Word has sex or goes nuts. It's so hot that production on Lez Girls gets shut down owing to rolling blackouts, so Jenny has time to think about the fact that her girlfriend has screwed the male co-star Tina enlisted to help Niki play straight in the press. The situation between Tina and Bette is — wait for it — heating up, as Bette can no longer convince herself she's meant to be with Jodi. And because the writers neglected a handful of heat clichés exploring how gosh darn hot it is, they scripted a ludicrous Godfather-style meeting between SheBar's owners and everyone tangentially affiliated with the Planet so the two sides could negotiate a détente.
Tina and Bette, on their way to therapy, get it on in an elevator where they're trapped after a power outage. This would have been hotter if (a) Bette had not announced she was going to have a panic attack when the elevator stopped, (b) they hadn't prefaced it with a chat about how they're good together because they both like to stay in on New Year's Eve, and (c) they weren't trapped in an elevator on their way to therapy.
Jodi's interpreter takes Max on a date that ends with a condom being unwrapped. Finally, somebody is paying attention to Max!
The ostensibly straight Molly Kroll dials up Shane because she's scared of the blackouts. Shane kindly instructs her latest infatuation on the ways of lesbianism until Molly's mom, Phyllis, busts in. If you thought that was the ultimate buzz kill, hang on: Shane overhears Molly telling her mother she digs Shane because she's simple and uneducated.
Since Tasha has nothing to do now that she has, you know, lost her entire military career, Alice gives her a grunty orgasm on the couch.
And last but not least, Jenny lures Niki back to the movie set at night with a love note, and they get naked on a bed on set (an OSHA violation if we've ever seen one) and reconcile.
There's only one serious plotline remaining this season, and it's the heart-wrenching one: Jodi remains blissfully unaware of Bette's inner turmoil, but Bette can no longer hide her passion for Tina. If the show can find a way to delicately deal with this — something more thoughtful than, say, throwing them all into a pit of Turkish oil to sort it out — we will be grateful.
Meanwhile, does The L Word have a problem with transsexuals or what? The perennially ignored Max finally gets to have an on-camera sit-down with Alice so she can half-heartedly apologize for criticizing his podcast on transsexuality, but rather than work the camera like she's been asked, Shane lackadaisically lets the lens wander around the room and totally ignores Max during his one moment of glory.
Niki accidentally kisses Adele in the dark thinking she's Jenny. At this rate, we'll find out the truth about Jenny's creeptastic assistant around the same time Hillary Clinton gets sworn into the Oval Office.
Paris Hilton failed to make her rumored cameo on an episode where every five seconds somebody said, “That's hot.” Just sayin'. —Chelsea Brady