A new peril faces America — one that you, your family, your loved ones may not, quite frankly, survive. The Jonas Brothers, a fresh-scrubbed, resolutely Christian trio of singing teens, is about to strike. The L.A. Times dives into the overwhelming marketing push that Disney is giving these floppy-haired menaces to society, which in the last week alone has featured appearances on Dancing With the Stars, Jimmy Kimmel Live, the Kid's Choice Awards, and Oprah's and Ellen's talk shows.
Why is Disney pushing the Jonas Brothers so hard? Abject terror, from the quotes Disney executives give the Times. "It feels like some giant wave forming out on the ocean," says a petrified Gary Marsh, Disney Channel Worldwide's entertainment president. "You don't know how big it's going to be until it hits." Another executive tells of the fateful concert in which he first set eyes upon the terrorizing trio. "You know the expression 'brought down the house'?" asks Disney Channels Worldwide president Rich Ross, presumably with a haunted expression on his face. "They brought down the house, they brought down the city, they took everything with them." There were no reported survivors of the Jonas Brothers attack.
What can I do to stop the Jonas Brothers?
Probably nothing. They sing with the voice of a thousand angels and rain fiery horror down upon whatever city displeases them. They travel across the country in a tour bus with their father, a pastor, enslaving our children. Many are the parents of tween children who have seen their daughters (and even sons!) captured by the Jonas juggernaut, all struck by the same awful symptoms: screaming, crying, unable to think about school, or hobbies, or even boys (other than Nick, 15, Joe, 18, and Kevin, 20).
If you fear the Jonas Brothers might be approaching, take cover. Your first sign will be high-pitched shrieking emanating from every girl younger than 15 in the immediate vicinity. This will be followed by a rumbling underneath your feet and lightning in the skies as archangels appear in Heaven in order to sing the Jonas Brothers' praises. If this happens, you should bring your family straight to a well-stocked bomb shelter. If your sons or daughters are already overcome, leave them; there's no hope. Plan to stay in hiding through the month of June, when the Jonas Brothers' movie, Camp Rock, airs on the Disney Channel; experts believe that the phenomenon might well have exhausted itself by the end of August. Until then, though, no one is safe.
Related: Know Your Jonas Brothers Overlords