In this week's Time Out New York, acclaimed film director Uwe Boll gives a typically sterling interview in which he addresses his critics ("I have to get everybody who criticizes me into the ring"), discusses his actors ("I didn’t direct him to play that scene full-frontal naked. He did that on his own. But he nailed it"), and offers a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse at the secrets of his movie magic ("Verne Troyer didn’t actually get raped by the monkey"). He also reveals the details of a lost Boll masterpiece that will, tragically, probably never happen:
"I get various absurd movie offers. A few days ago I got an offer to do Tetris. I'm like, 'What the fuck are you talking about? This is totally absurd.' They said, 'No, this would be a revolution in video-game movies.' I said, 'Yes it would be the revolution, but it would also be completely the end of my career.'"
Back in November, on our list of the Ten Video Games That Should Be Movies, we pitched Tetris as a Michel Gondry film starring Elijah Wood as a lovelorn Z-shaped piece — but we bet Boll could make it work too. Verne Troyer would play a square-shaped block, who gets brutalized — through the magic of CGI, of course — by a bunch of obnoxious, T-shaped monkeys. This would be the film that ends his career? If the failure of his previous ten movies hasn't hindered his ability to keep making them, we're pretty sure Tetris wouldn't make any difference. And we'd sort of like to see it.