Week in Review: Mysterious Wheels! Surprise Witnesses! Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Sure, Locke left for a weekend out, Ben moved the island, and Kate got a mysterious phone call from a person who could talk backward — but last night's Lost finale seems downright explicable compared to what else happened this week:

Poo-fearing opera fans were shocked by the discovery of mouse dooty at the Met. Will a book about barnacle penises be this year's Marley and Me? (Yes.) The Watchmen movie will be like nine hours long. Also, a video game actually taught us how to do something. Coldplay's new album was declared better than the Bible, and the Hold Steady album was declared pretty much just another Hold Steady album.

Sure, Locke left for a weekend out, Ben moved the island, and Kate got a mysterious phone call from a person who could talk backward — but last night's Lost finale seems downright explicable compared to what else happened this week:

Jean-Claude Van Damme made the best film of 2008. A bunch of Internet spoilers turned out to be completely accurate. Uwe Boll actually kept his mouth shut for once. Hollywood discovered the world's only non-annoying child actor. We exposed Lost as the Deal or No Deal ripoff that it truly is. The threesome testimony in R. Kelly's child pornography trial was delayed when a threesome-debunking surprise witness materialized! Also, prosecutors somehow managed to track down the one guy who doesn't believe that Kellz's image was added to that sex tape using CGI.

Jean-Claude Van Damme made the best film of 2008. A bunch of Internet spoilers turned out to be completely accurate. Uwe Boll actually kept his mouth shut for once. Hollywood discovered the world's only non-annoying child actor. We exposed Lost as the Deal or No Deal ripoff that it truly is. The threesome testimony in R. Kelly's child pornography trial was delayed when a threesome-debunking surprise witness materialized! Also, prosecutors somehow managed to track down the one guy who doesn't believe that Kellz's image was added to that sex tape using CGI.