So are you doing stand-up these days?
Yeah, all the time.
All over the city and on the road some this summer, mostly in New York. I'll be at the Comedy Cellar Wednesdays and Thursdays.
What kinds of routines?
Well, I'm always working on new stuff, but I talk about how I'm a great athlete and how chicks dig me.
What sports do you excel at?
Every one. Name one, dude.
I don't consider lacrosse a sport. To me that's just a frat activity that got out of hand.
How about downhill skiing?
I do uphill skiing, I don't do downhill skiing. I think that's for nerd amateurs.
I can dunk with my foot.
I play hardball, sorry. I don't need some bloated ball to hit it.
I skated too fast, the rink melted, and the team drowned.
I'm banned from swimming. Every time I get in the water all the surrounding chicks jump in. It's really cool, but technically illegal in competition.
I just beat a cheetah in the hundred-yard dash, by 70 yards. And I gave him a 50-yard head start.
That must have been demoralizing for the cheetah.
After the race, the cheetah tested positive for steroids. I'm really the best.
Tour de France.
Yes, I've actually won that a few times. I wasn't even in the race. I was just going from point A to point B, and I won it. I was actually coasting for a lot of it.
Are you more of a climber or sprinter?
I can do either one. I can actually coast uphill. I just have really good body control. Good question.
I'm actually banned from the Himalayas, because I'm too good at yoga.
You don't say. I assume it's a similar situation with martial arts?
I am the best martial artist in the world. I have a book coming out about that. I will tell you that I'm an extra-dark black belt.
What about ultimate fighting?
No, I don't consider them real athletes. They do mixed martial arts, that's because they're not good at any one particular martial art and they gotta mix it up. Those guys are all pussies. I've challenged all of them, and they've all backed down.
So basically this is the act?
This is what my act is about, how I'm the greatest athlete in the world.
And people really believe you?
They have to, or I might kill them.
Have you had hecklers before?
I get hecklers all the time!
How did you deal with it?
I'm the world champion. I'm the greatest athlete in the world. They can't hang with me, they know I'll kill them. I'm an extra-dark black belt. What are they gonna do to me? I'm the greatest athlete in the world — I fuck 40 chicks a day. What is a heckler gonna do to me? —Darrell Hartman