In keeping with the magazine's official policy of artificially inflating the romantic prospects of American Idol winners of dubious appeal and singing ability, People has inexplicably named oft-pitchy Nickelback fan David Cook one of their Hottest Bachelors of 2008. While we don't want to imply that we're upset over the omission of Cook's vastly superior co-finalist, David Archuleta (David is only 17 and needs to focus on his music right now — not scoring with chicks), we find it hard to believe that, of all the nation's balding, caterwauling former bartenders, People could've possibly selected a less-qualified one to stand alongside such highly coveted single gentlemen as Bret Michaels and Britney Spears's unfamous older brother — and we'll tell you why!
• First, ladies, we ask you — is David Cook really ready to support a family? Sure, he's riding high on a record contract and endorsement deals now, but long-term success doesn't come easy for most male Idol stars. We'll spare you our multivolume thesis on why he's no Clay Aiken, but, suffice to say, he is no Clay Aiken.
• Also, his beard: What's up with it?
• Additionally, American Idol's professional styling and lighting teams are renowned the world over for making homely eyesores look vaguely telegenic, even on HDTVs. But have you ever seen what David Cook looks like in natural light, sans makeup? Scroll down.