Eli Roth Is a ‘Bastard’

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Inglorious Roth: Hostel director and Quentin Tarantino BFF Eli Roth will play a baseball-bat-swinging Nazi hunter in Inglorious Bastards. We wouldn't have anticipated this at all, but it totally works. [Variety]

Thurgood Marshall Doing Some Investigative Work: Laurence Fishburne is in talks to replace William Petersen as the star of CBS' linchpin crime drama CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. He's apparently being "heavily courted" to play the new lead, a doctor-scientist who has the same genetic profile as a serial killer but has never acted on the murderous impulse. At least Morpheus's monotone explanations of boring shit will be put to good use. [HR]

Bana Unleashes the Beast Within: Sometimes Hollywood knows you're having a rough morning and decides to cheer you up with something so dumb you can't help but love being alive. For example, Hollywood will say, "Check it out … Eric Bana is making Love the Beast, a documentary about his 25-year love affair with a 1974 Ford Falcon Coupe. That's right, it's nothing but Eric Bana getting sexy with his car, and also Dr. Phil is in part of it." Seriously, Hollywood? You're awesome at making us feel better. [Variety]

Grisham Gets Shanked: Phoenix Pictures has tapped Hairspray's Adam Shankman to direct Playing for Pizza, an adaptation of John Grisham's bestseller about an NFL quarterback who ends up playing semi-pro ball in Italy after blowing a shot at the Super Bowl. "We want to make this grittier than the book," says Shankman, crushing our hopes of finally seeing a football musical. [Variety]

Bayer Neck Deep in Fiasco: Music-video director Sam Bayer ("Smells Like Teen Spirit" (!!!)) will direct the action thriller Fiasco Heights for Universal. Story follows a gunman who teams up with a degenerate gambler to find a femme-fatale and a briefcase. Sound like a boring neo-noir mystery? Think again: Producer Michael Bay's involvement tacitly ensures ample explosions. [HR]