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Week in Review: Gold Medals Not Won By Michael Phelps

100m Boycott: Disability groups upset over Simple Jack.

Men's Heavy-Weight Garage-Emptying: Billy Joel.

Synchronized Surprise Awesomeness: the Jonas Brothers.

Unexpected Job-Having: McLovin.

French-Horn-Hating: New York Times.

400m Appearance-Faking: MF Doom, Yang Peiyi (tie).

Inspired by the motivational lyricism of Lil Wayne, swimmer Michael Phelps has already scored an astonishing six gold medals at the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, dominating not just his sport but also headlines and TV coverage. Did anyone else do anything interesting this week? Yes! At an untelevised ceremony, gold medals were awarded in the following events:

Sex-Scene Directing: Woody Allen.

Bat-Eating: Jack Black in Tropic Thunder.

50m Finger-Blast: Don Draper.

Astonishing Pop-Cultural Ignorance: Anthony Lane.

Individual All-Around Crappy Songwriting: Katy Perry.

Astonishing Pop-Cultural Ignorance: Anthony Lane.