This week, we proved scientificologically that this fall's war-themed, apocalypse-filled awards-bait movies will, against all odds, be even bleaker than last year's. What's more depressing than that? The following things:
• David Cook's chances of selling any albums.
• The imminent flood of shoddily manufactured, unlicensed Mickey Mouse merchandise.
• Young Jeezy's gold-medal prospects.
• John McCain's impending victory.
• That we, unlike Soulja Boy, do not have a Segway scooter to drive around our living room.
• YouTube's unfortunate decision to take down the video of Tom Cruise's cameo in Tropic Thunder. That post was getting us a lot of traffic!
• The idea of a Veronica Mars movie.
• Benjamin Button's five-hour running time.
• The fact there is no Olympic gold medal for being Ben Silverman.