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Week in Review: Who Else Is All Wrong to Play Spider-Man?

Tom Cruise and Justin Timberlake: Not funny enough.

Bradley Blakeman: Not even creative enough to come up with Swing Vote.

The people of Pittsburgh: Roving bands of gun-wielding cannibals.

Roland Emmerich: Spider-Man does not have three stuffed zebras.

Nick Rivers: Too busy getting skeet surfing approved for the 2012 Olympics.

Stephenie Meyer: Ruining her own series.

Christian Bale: Needs vocal-cord surgery.

We took some heat from aspiring actor Josh Bednarsky's family, fans, and nine roommates when we declared him completely wrong for the role of Spider-Man in Julie Taymor's new musical. And we feel bad! He's been so nice, asking on his Website for someone to send us a fruit basket and all. We're not going back on our previous assertion — Peter Parker has brown hair, people — but we're happy to share some other people who proved this week that they, too, are not qualified to play the singing web-slinger of Queens.

Woody Allen: Thinks three-person kissing is a threesome.

Christopher Nolan: A worse action director than David Gordon Green.

Simple Jack: Offensive.

Lang Lang: Costumes too stupid even for a superhero.

The Jonas Brothers: Curing diabetes.

Christian Bale: Needs vocal-cord surgery.

Kois: Too busy shining Paul Dergarabedian's shoes.