When was the earth created?
Archbishop James Usher, working out a chronology from the Bible, calculated in 1654 that the earth was created on the night of October 23, 4004 B.C. Other timetables reach back as far as 10,000 years, which was the last time David Cook’s new single would’ve sounded original.
What about oil and coal, which seem to have been generated from ancient forests millions of years ago?
They are evidence of a Great Flood about 4,400 years ago, which laid down all the layers of sediment at once. Hey, this makes more sense than Kanye getting his own puppet show, Ghost Town actually being a great movie, and American Psycho becoming a Broadway musical.
What about bones representing such species as Cro-Magnon Man and Neanderthal Man?
Created at the same time as man. They did not survive, much like Jerry O’Connell’s Do Not Disturb and Mekhi Phifer’s character on ER.
Were there ice ages lasting millions of years?
No, but the Emmys lasted at least that long.
Did the Colorado River carve out the mile-deep Grand Canyon over eons?
No, the Grand Canyon was formed by Elizabeth Marvel and Norbert Leo Butz beating the crap out of each other in Fifty Words.
Was there a Noah, and did he have an Ark?
The Ark contained eight people, from whom we are all descended — except for David Archuleta, who was beamed down directly from heaven. It also contained two of each kind of animal, none of which was better qualified to host the 2009 Academy Awards than Ricky Gervais.
What about dinosaurs?
You mean like that guy who used to produce the Oscars before Sid Ganis asked Dreamgirls team Bill Condon and Laurence Mark to do it next year? They walked the earth at the same time as man, but were wiped out by the Flood, whose turbulence forced “Weird Al” Yankovic to record song parodies he didn’t want to.
What did the creatures on the Ark eat?
Toads, like Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett did when they were in China writing that opera.
Since the earth was completely covered, even to the highest mountains, where did the waters go?
They were spontaneously converted to their gaseous state by the hot love scenes in Kirk Cameron’s latest movie.
What about such cosmic phenomena as the rings of Saturn?
Evidence of a catastrophic collision between Saturn and Mickey Rourke’s face within the same 10,000-year span.