There was a time when our nation could believe in a soda company's solemn promise to deliver a free can of its beverage to every man, woman, and child in America (Buckethead and Slash not included) pending the release of a fabled, fifteen-years-in-the-making hard-rock album that most assumed would never come out — it was last week. But now that the details of Dr. Pepper's Chinese Democracy promotion have been finalized, we can't help but feel a little disappointed. We were under the distinct impression that our soda would be helicoptered in from DPHQ and hand-delivered right to our door. NOT SO!
In order to collect, one has to log on to DrPepper.com specifically on Sunday, November 23 — the day of Democracy's release — and sign up for a coupon. But not only is the coupon offer good for just the one day, you have to be on the Internet to get your drink on. According to Nielsen, there are only 220 million people in the country with Internet access at home or at work (plus, who will be at work on Sunday?), leaving something like 73.4 trillion proud Americans tragically un-Peppered. And that's just the beginning — everyone means everyone, including people in comas, people who just got here from Romania, and people who had the Eternal Sunshine memory-erasing thing done after GNR released The Spaghetti Incident?. Americans are all equally thirsty, Dr Pepper.