It’s Che Day! That’s right, today Steven Soderbergh’s four-plus-hour opus opens for one-week Oscar-qualifying runs in New York and Los Angeles. Sure, you’re intellectually and emotionally ready for Che. But is your bladder ready? After all, if you show up at the Ziegfield at 6:30 for tonight’s 7 p.m. show, you won’t be out of the theater for five hours. Maybe you can cross your legs and just hold it that long, but most of us are only human and are going to need two, maybe three bathroom breaks over the course of the evening.
What if you miss something important? When can you safely bolt for the baño? How can you avoid the lines at intermission? Well, order the extra-large Diet Coke with pride: Vulture’s here to help with an illustrated guide to making it through Che without befouling yourself.
Bathroom Break No. 1
You’re going to have to pee sooner than you think; after all, if you’re smart, you’ll be hydrating furiously for the epic journey you’re about to undertake. An hour and ten minutes into part one, toward the end of a long training montage, you’ll see this dude shaving. He goes from a full beard to a Mose Schrute kind of deal for the rebels’ class picture.
Now’s your chance! Go ahead and pee; the next five minutes are just boring United Nations speeches in black-and-white — not even Che’s speech, just other ambassadors bitching about Cuba. Get back in time for the air raid on the rebel compound and Che’s own speech to the U.N. You don’t want to miss the climactic battle at Santa Clara.
Bathroom Break No. 2
By the end of part one, your stomach just might be staging its own violent revolt against that Cubano you ate before the show. When you see this pretty red sports car, prepare yourself — you’re just seconds away from intermission.
Be the first one to the restroom to drop the rebels off at the pool, and then you’ll have almost the full half-hour of intermission to smoke a cigar on 54th Street and stock up on Milk Duds and bottled water for the second half. Don’t forget to drink some coffee — heading back into the dark for another two hours will surely make you sleepy.
Bathroom Break No. 3
Don’t think you can make it all the way through part two without another pit stop! If Che’s misadventures in Bolivia teach us anything, it’s that even the most heroic of men are only human in the end. You’re no different.
An hour into part two, you’ll be feeling that coffee. But hold on just a little bit longer or else you’ll miss Che’s completely bewildering celebrity cameo! It happens an hour and five minutes into part two — don’t worry, you can’t miss it. Once that very short bit is over, go ahead and run out; all you’ll miss in the next five minutes is Che changing his alias from “Ramón” to the much funnier “Fernando.”
Stand tall, comrades! Viva Che!