Lindsay Lohan Finally Finds Out Who Killed Her: Freddy Krueger

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Gotham's 2008 production of Ariadne Unhinged. Photo: Getty Images

UPDATE (5:20pm): What you are about to read has no real connection to reality, seeing as how Just Jared just admitted that "Someone apparently punk’d me and is trying to ruin my reputation." Our apologies for passing this along; you can rest assured that Vulture will no longer use JJ as a source.

Now that the director of Blind Melon's "No Rain" music video has signed on to direct the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot, it only makes sense that he and the team of producers start focusing on putting together a talented cast of thespians to make the film come to life. After calls to Anne Hathaway and Kate Winslet went unanswered, Samuel Bayer decided to go with the next best thing: Lindsay Lohan. Yes, that's right, while the citizens of Brazil anxiously clamor for the April 3 world premiere of Lohan's latest film, Labor Pains (why do Brazilians always get the best movies first?), Just Jared reports that Lindsay will begin prepping to take on the role that made Heather Langenkamp an international icon.

All snark aside, this news kind of makes us sad for Lohan, especially when you factor in that Andrew Form, the film's producer, gave the exclusive not to Variety or The Hollywood Reporter, but to the photo clearinghouse blog Just Jared. And it also makes us a little bit angry, as he also managed to trash both Sophia Bush and Danielle Panabaker along the way by casually mentioning to Jared that they both tried out for the role but didn't get the part. Talk about bad form (pun totally intended). Anyway, we wish Lindsay and the rest of the Elm Street team nothing but the best, and we look forward to Lohan following in Langenkamp's footsteps and signing on for the inevitable remake of the beloved eighties television series Just the Ten of Us in four years' time.

Lindsay Lohan Joins ‘A Nightmare On Elm Street’ [Just Jared]