Mourning the Acceptance Speech Mickey Rourke Would’ve Given

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Oh, the speech we would've seen! What would Mickey Rourke have done if Sean Penn hadn't snagged the Oscar away from him?

Well, he probably would've kissed Darren Aronofsky on the lips; choked up while talking about Loki, his dearly departed Chihuahua; insulted the awards girl there to usher him offstage; thanked the Santa Monica Police Department for arresting him ten years ago; told Aronofsky that if his future actors "don't have the balls to bring it, then fuck 'em"; noted that Marisa Tomei's performance was great because "not that many girls can climb the pole, y'know?"; campaigned for "one goddamn filmmaker in this room" to give his friend Eric Roberts a job; made fun of his producer for being broke; and thanked the WWE for supporting The Wrestler even though it exposes seedy industry secrets "like the steroids and the cocaine and the bangin' the girl in the ass in the bathroom."

After all, he did all those things in his epic five-minute acceptance speech at the Independent Spirit Awards on Saturday.