Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter Victory Over CNN Signals the Dawn of a New Era of Awesomeness

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Oh boy, we are TOTALLY hung-over this morning. After all, we were popping bottles of Cris until the wee hours of the morning celebrating Ashton Kutcher's triumphant victory over CNN in the race to be the first Twitterer to cross the vaunted million-follower count. For those of you who said that one egomaniacal movie star could never topple an international media behemoth in a meaningless technological pissing contest, we have only one thing to say: IN YOUR FACE! Pay no mind to the fact that Twitter wasn't letting Twitterers un-follow either of these two virtual gladiators, because when you're standing arm in arm with Demi Moore and Punky Brewster during the throes of a revolution, you shouldn't have any qualms about sacrificing some of your basic online liberties. But while the entire evening was a magical experience we'll never forget, there was one moment last night that is destined to replace the Gettysburg Address as something all of our nation's elementary-school-aged children will memorize: Ashton Kutcher's victory speech!

Because we love America and we love freedom, we've transcribed the moment for you:


Look, at the end of the day, what's this about? This is about the changing of the guard, from the old way of consuming media to the new way of consuming media. We together, can decide, we can make the news on our cell phones, on our iPhones, on our cameras, on our video cameras. We can edit the news, we can broadcast the news, and we can consume the news. We can decide what news we want to hear, how we want to hear it, when we want to hear it. And we can get it faster on the web. That's all we're saying.

And it's not about me, it's not about anything, any accolade I'm trying to achieve. It's really about us and, uh, it's about a statement that one man can have a voice that's as loud as an entire media company. And you can have that voice as well. And we can all have that voice together. And, and, and we can change media forever. That's just the start. I dunno, um, maybe that was a little too preachy?

Did you hear that, people? Grab your iPhones and RISE UP!

And, unlike that Luddite Abraham Lincoln, Kutcher thought to capture the moment on webcam for all the world to see.

VICTORY IS OURS!