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Week in Review: Nicolas Cage Attacks!

Looking back on a week in which we were lucky just to survive ...

• It was another great week for Jackman! X-Men Origins: Wolverine was a hit at the box office and on BitTorrent.

• Despite fears that NBC's fall prime-time lineup would be wholly comprised of Leno, infomercials, and repurposed SNL skits, Ben Silverman unveiled a schedule featuring actual new shows! To convey their appreciation, the TV gods delayed the release of this week's ratings.

• Director Scarlett Johansson suffered a minor setback.

• An apparent disagreement between a few animals caused an art-world uproar.

Allison Iraheta was voted off American Idol. Meanwhile, these two clowns will see another week.

• Will Star Trek be the next Watchmen? Will the Star Trek porno be the next Watchmen porno?

• Vulture partied with Judd Apatow, premiered Woody Allen's new minimalist movie poster, and attempted to identify the song of the summer.

• We still have no idea what's happening on Lost.

• And then Nicolas Cage killed everyone. Have a nice weekend!

• Coldplay ripped off everybody.

• Things that made us sad: The Jonas Brothers disappointed. DreamWorks turned down Nick Cave's Gladiator 2 screenplay. Dom DeLuise made a cannonball run to heaven.

Terminator: Salvation got a little less stabby.

• We still have no idea what's happening on Lost.

• Amazon released the world's largest Kindle, though they forgot to teach it the name of our president. Borders seized the opportunity to sell some actual books.

• Public servant Kal Penn told Obama where to stick it and plotted his return to Hollywood.