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True Blood: Body/Booty Count

Gesundheit!

Things get complicated for Jason, Eric gets a haircut, Jessica gets a backstory, Maryann doesn’t, Sookie and Bill fight over the kid, and Lafayette may just put those dancing skills to work in death.

Jason goes to fundy camp. As the other Light of Day goody two-shoes tunelessly sing anti-vampire ditties on a vintage school bus, Jason makes a burly new friend thanks to the winning line, “Look at you! I’d a latched onto you!” McDonald (no relation to the farm) immediately suggests they bunk together, but their relationship sours fast; a high-stakes game of capture the flag proves there’s only room for one golden boy in this church. But Jason has another fan: the preacher’s wife. Things get a little too intense when they role-play how to deal with vampire sympathizers. She pretends (badly) that she’s a vampire. Overwhelmed by memories of his ex stabbing the vampire they were milking for blood last season, Jason flips out, snaps a flagpole in two, and nearly stabs her in the heart with it — “like some Muslim Buffy with a dick.” She finds the whole experience strangely satisfying, even without actual flagpole penetration.
Body count/booty count: Zero — for now.

How do you solve a mystery like Maryann? Magic apparently requires a great deal of energy. Only after eating two of every item on Merlotte’s menu does Maryann cast her spell, getting the whole bar dancing and grinding in some pagan party ritual. Even a still-drinking Detective Andy dances to the B-52s (and yes, he does resemble an epileptic on meth). More importantly, it turns out that shuddering thing Maryann does isn’t about her — she’s making Sam shapeshift. She warns him that she’ll do that publicly if he gets in her way. She’s working an angle on Sookie, too, buttering her up; but Sookie’s perplexed by the language she hears when she tunes in to this ostensible Cape Cod girl’s thoughts.
Booty count: Does dry humping on a pool table qualify? Yes. 1.

Tara: decisions, decisions. Stay with Maryann, or move in with Sookie? Trust that handsome Eggs with a dark past, or keep her guard up?
We expect some sort of blowup here soon, but for now, Tara’s all buildup.

Turning Lafayette. Eric, still blood-drenched and now redoing his hair, wants to know what happened with the vampire Lafayette was getting V from. He disappeared, and things point back to Jason Stackhouse. Eric — newly shorn and looking sporty — takes this up with Bill, but he’s obviously going to drag Sookie into this whether Bill likes it or not (hint: Bill doesn’t like this). Meanwhile, with the help of a tool he finds in the mangled viscera that once was a vampire-hating human, Lafayette breaks out of the dungeon. When he tries to get an armed blonde to help him escape Fangtasia by telling her that she has his nether regions afire, she shoots him. And then he points out to Eric & Co. that he’d make one badass vampire and that they could just turn him. Eric finds it a tempting proposition. 
Bite count: 1 (unless it turns out they didn’t get a chance to finish). Gore factor: glorious. 

Jessica: You can’t go home again. Especially not if you’re crying blood. Bill doesn’t know how to deal with the inhuman, changing, undisciplined beast that is the teenage vampire. So maybe he’ll buy Jessica a bedazzled denim miniskirt. Sookie figures this is more her area. When Jessica sees her grieving family on TV, Sookie agrees to drive by Jessica’s old home so she can get a last glimpse of her family from the car. Jessica can’t resist talking to her mother and sister inside — and then she can’t resist threatening her abusive father. Bill gets there just in time, and has no trouble getting Jessica’s little sister to invite him in. We won’t know how he solves this kerfuffle until next week, but it’s clear that this will be a major fight between Bill and Sookie.
Bite count/body count: Probably 0, unless Bill lost his temper — we know he hates child abuse.

Photo: Courtesy of HBO