It’s only now, late in the afternoon, that we’re coming to grips with what we saw on last night’s Bachelorette. Ed — the bachelor who left mid-season to save his job, and then returned last week after “thinking it over” (that is, we’re guessing, after getting downsized for being the doofus who left for a month to be on The Bachelorette) — starred in his own, real-life, long-format erectile dysfunction PSA, becoming the victim of what might be the most humiliating reality-TV experience in history.
Each of the three final bachelors was invited to stay in the “Fantasy Suite” with bubbly bachelorette Jillian (who, it must be noted, successfully bedded three hunks, on three consecutive nights, without even the blink of a fake eyelash). First up was Kiptyn, the front-runner, and then went Reid, the neurotic from Philly and our personal favorite. Reid and Jillian took a rose-petal-laden bath together, but embarrassing as that was, it didn’t compare to the experience of poor Ed. After a day of swimming, hugging, kissing, and introducing Jillian to his parents, he just couldn’t get it up. We saw the couple lying on the Fantasy Suite bed, oiling each other up with massage lotion, and then we cut to Ed, lying facedown, looking half dead. Jillian explained to the camera: “We were sunburnt and exhausted and that ‘Oh my God, I want my hands to be all over you,’ that wasn’t there.” Ed elaborated: “I was very nervous, and it didn’t just happen. I couldn’t show her I really truly was in love with her.”
But the producers didn’t leave it at that. To prolong the drama, they clearly coerced Jillian into taking Ed aside during the rose ceremony to rehash the incident. “What happened there?” she asked him. Ed blushed. “I’m having a hard time adjusting to everything, but I’m crazy about you,” he managed. Satisfied (that time, at least), Jillian gave him and Kiptyn the roses, leaving Reid to think that he got kicked off because he couldn’t tell her he loved her (after five dates! Imagine that!). Poor Ed — he will forever be known, insofar as he is known at all, as the guy who couldn’t get it up in the Fantasy Suite, after two others successfully sealed the deal the nights before him. Maybe if he’s lucky there’s a Cialis commercial in his future.