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Weeds: Baby-Makin’ Time

Uncle Andy may have found the one — or so he tells Nancy as they lead foot it into the hospital to have Dr. Alanis Morrisette induce her two days ahead of the due date, rather than have her give birth in the home prison Esteban’s goons have battened down for her. He’s ready for the woman he can be an adult with, love and pleasure for the rest of his days. Nancy, he is loathe to admit, is it. “I still love you,” he says, gooey-eyed. “No, I don’t,” he yells, screwy-faced. “You’re poison. Fuck off!”

Right now, Uncle Andy is Weeds. (And Nancy is a one-woman wrecking ball, no longer even seeming to question any of her ludicrous moves. Which isn’t to say that she can’t win us back with her dry humor and pink cheeks.) Scraggly fake beard and all, he keeps getting better. Here he imagines a dick contest with Mayor Esteban who, he concludes, is the “rapey” type, whereas Andy — if he does say so himself — is more of an artist, all about precision and attention in the sack. Both work for Nancy, she says, only she’s still not jumping into Andy’s arms, having been bitten by Mayor Esteban. “The father is a murderer slash mayor slash extreme advocate of home birth,” Andy explains to Nancy’s doctor, convincing her to induce.

Uncle Andy, knight in hairy armor, comes running when Nancy tells him that Esteban has been disposed of. He parks his new Dodge Charger — General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard, “one of seventeen they used in the show in season four,” which he bought from a laid-off mortgage broker — in front of the mayor’s estate while Nancy gathers her things. True to the show, the passenger door’s jammed shut, and Andy must help Nancy into the car, initiating what might be the best moment of the season so far: As he feeds the barrel-bellied Nancy through the open window, the two begin a sort of lover’s dance, awkward yet determined, stone-faced yet willing, like a comic duo who have found themselves in the middle of a ballroom-dance competition on their run from the bad guys. It’s a moment to sum up the most hopeful thing about this devolving show — that Andy might bring back the Nancy we loved, the one who was all about her kids, iced lattes, and luxury bathrooms.

Even Celia has some promise. Scraping bottom selling makeup door-to-door, she comes home to Shane, who proceeds to rub her feet and encourage her to sell more lucrative goods. “Like what?” Celia asks. Duh. Celia may have spent most of the show reviling Nancy’s immoral conduct, but we’re pretty sure she’s seen enough of the hard life to rethink her principles. If Celia steps into the weed business, perhaps Nancy can become her adviser, spending her days on the couch spitting out druggie wisdom while she nurses her … perfect baby boy. That’s right, Nancy had the baby, which is wheeled in by the doctor as Esteban, smoke practically pouring from his ears, is trying to drag Nancy out of the hospital and back to home confinement. “He has your eyes,” croons Nancy, who has little choice but to ooh and ahh. The question, once again, is how will Nancy escape this one? She skipped out on Esteban to induce his baby. What’s to stop him from kidnapping the little bundle of joy and returning us to Tarantino territory?

Photo: Courtesy of Showtime