True Blood: Eat Your Heart Out

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Photo: Courtesy of HBO

Maryann increasingly represents all that’s dark and dangerous, in contrast to our master vampire. Just when Godric’s Christian virtues look to be ushering in a new era, a terrorist attack provides a cliffhanger that jeopardizes the lives of, oh, most of the cast. We’d snicker about knowing by now that only old age kills this show’s major likable characters — but we enjoyed this episode too much to complain.

A Sacrifice
The Lovers card, says Lafayette as he reads Tara’s tarot, calls for a sacrifice in matters of the heart; she’s going to have to make a choice. Just as Lafayette pulls the next card, Justice, Eggs bursts into Merlotte’s, tearfully telling Tara that he can’t remember the last few hours, though he’s sure he’s done something bad.

What’s the only thing hotter than Lafayette in a "Bitch" T-shirt getting witchy? Maryann sautéing a human heart in mirepoix. She’s making a hunters’ soufflé. Even Eggs realizes that this dish doesn’t make any sense, but he and Tara are up for a snack anyway. Even if it’s oozing blood. Flash-forward to postprandial bliss and Eggs’ saying he feels like a superhero and ripping off his shirt. Tara announces she hates him, which then erupts in a frenzy of violence and sex. She kicks him in the crotch, their irises turn black, and Maryann discreetly leaves them to their copulating on the rug.

A mysterious phone call has brought Sam back to his bar, where he discovers Daphne dead in the walk-in freezer with her heart cut out. He grabs some trash bags to dispose of the body, thinks better of it, and calls the police — but they’re already there, because whoever called him also called them. Hi, Maryann.

Things don’t look good for Sam: People keeping dying around Merlotte’s, and the cops have noticed that nothing in his past checks out. Detective Andy stumbles in and tries to tell the sheriff that the real culprit is a dress-wearing, claw-wielding bull, but Sam can’t even bother with that true tall tale.

Booty Count: Tara and Eggs again — and when Sam gets to jail, he finds that several of his patrons have been locked up for losing their pants, sodomizing pine trees, that sort of thing.


Wolves in the Henhouse
Jason is not dead. For a second, it looks like he’s asking himself why Sarah bothered to chase him down to shoot him with a toy. No, he’s just working himself up to this conclusion: “God has saved me.” So the long-suffering Sarah has to explain that it was just a paintball and his fang-banging sister is here. And to shoot him in the crotch, and to make the second Judas reference in two weeks, prompting Jason’s brilliant query, “What did he do to you?”

Meanwhile, Godric has saved Sookie and ordered Eric to spirit her away, but all she can do is bitch at Eric for not bringing Bill. She asks whether Godric is Eric’s maker (“Don’t use words you don’t understand”) and tells him how much he loves him (“Don’t use words I don’t understand”). And then she says some really stupid shit as a showdown blazes between the vampires and the Soldiers of the Sun. Eric offers himself as a sacrifice, Bill shows up, Jason (!) saves the day, but our heroine just stands there, pointing out stakes and saying it doesn’t have to be that way. She does manage one bit of action — rushing to untie Eric as soon as Bill frees her.

Just as Eric is about to kill Reverend Newlin, a Christlike Godric gives a speech (more convincing than Sookie’s) about peace and coexistence. Newlin tries to egg them on, confident that Jesus will protect him, so Godric reminds him, “I’m actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have met him.” He turns the other cheek and leads his followers back to his nest, where he also forgives Hugo and sends him and Isabel away.

There, Jason apologizes to Eric, but Eric’s jealous that Jason got to play hero. Bill is jealous because Eric has been going after Sookie — and he’s not just talking about that crack Eric made about Sookie finding out what the bond between a vampire and a maker is like. Lorena and Sookie meet — and they’re both jealous. Just as Lorena is about to bite Sookie, Godric intervenes, chastising her for not growing spiritually as a vampire and banishing her from his sheriffdom, asking Bill to escort her out. Bill tells his humiliated, pining ex that he’ll never see her again, but she reminds him they’re immortal and their paths are bound to cross

As they talk, Luke walks into the party with a “message” from Rev. Newlin: a bomb under his coat, rigged to an assortment of silver bullets and wooden arrows. He pushes the button.

Best Line: When Newlin warns him that in the end they’ll see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell, Jason responds, “I reckon I’ve already been to heaven. I was inside your wife.”
Booty Count: Jessica loses her virginity with Hoyt, and thanks to the vampiric powers of rejuvenation, will do so over and over. The sentimental schmuck thinks this is pretty cool, but she points out that it hurts.
Bite Count: Lorena gets just enough of a nibble of Barry to note the telepath’s unusual taste and wonder what he is ... when Bill hits her over the head with a flat-screen TV.
Body Count: Possibly everyone from the Stackhouse/vampire plotline except Bill and Lorena ... but probably not.