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Weeds: Married ... With Children

Nancy and Esteban are married. We think this might be a dream, mostly because of Nancy’s preposterous outfit, with a cropped, cream-puff-y monstrosity on her shoulders and another one in her hair. She looks like she’s auditioning for a telenovela, especially as she feeds gooey chocolate cake to her baby daddy.

But nope, it’s not a dream. We knew because Silas is in a hoodie, clapping mechanically, and Shane — who’s evolving into a mini Andy, his mouth like a longshoreman’s, which only means we love him more — lolls at the kitchen table with a half-finished bottle of Champagne. At the end of the last episode, Shane was bleeding from the arm, having caught the bullet that was meant for Nancy. Everyone’s feeling bad that the 14-year-old’s a victim of mafia warfare, so he takes full advantage, playing a hilariously spoiled brat: “Where’s the service, I have thirst!” he yells, drifting by on his noodle in the sweet pool belonging to stepdad Esteban — who, by the way, can’t help but smile when Shane blurts, “Fuck your Mom in the ass with a screwdriver.” He may be a dirty misogynist, but he also seems to have genuine affection for Nancy’s sons.

And, of course, Esteban is now Stevie Ray’s legitimate baby daddy. Uncle Andy finally understands that Nancy doesn’t love him in that way (though we’re not sure how she does feel about him, exactly), so he goes back to the house to map out his life and “call a girl who calls me on my shit,” i.e., Dr. Alanis Morissette. She turns him down at first because he’s hung up on Nancy, but there’s no doubt that she’s going to be Andy’s girlfriend. This may bring about an interesting evolution in our dear uncle, not to mention several amusing sex scenes.

Unevolved Doug and Dean are going into business, after engaging in mutual genital torture to get even (a while ago it was Doug’s penis in the drawer; now, it’s “Dean nuts” in Doug’s hot coffee). Their mission: get Celia. She’s sold enough of Silas and Doug’s stolen pot and “I’m Pretty” eyeshadow to employ a security staff and drink cosmopolitans in the afternoon, plus pay one of Esteban’s goofiest goons (who inexplicably outs himself as a gay competitive wrestler). So she has officially replaced Nancy as drug queen, and she's doing a damn good job of it so far.

But there's still a price on Nancy’s head. Pilar, the smokin’ political advisor who set Esteban up with that perfect Mexican princess in order to get his mind off of the gringo, commissioned last week's shooting when Nancy stayed in the picture. Cesar, it turns out, has been two-timing Esteban, feeding Pilar information on Nancy, including where to find her. So Nancy gets even, shooting Cesar in the arm and warning him to remember where his loyalties lie. Esteban’s political career is probably down the toilet — though it seems he’s going to run for governor anyway, which would mean the Botwins are in still grave danger from Pilar. Silas refuses to take a bottomless bank account and run to Europe because he doesn’t trust that Nancy can keep his little brothers safe. Aw. In fact, he commands that Esteban protect them, so that “we can all be one, big happy ...” What exactly?

Photo: Courtesy of Sonja Flemming/Showtime