Now that (alleged!) Letterman-extorting TV producer Robert J. Halderman has been apprehended after brilliantly attempting to cash a fake check for $2 million, there's probably little chance we'll ever see the movie on Dave's admitted affair that Halderman had purportedly scripted (the package he left in Letterman's car included a one-page screenplay, says the D.A.). This means, sadly, that there will be no cinematic retelling of the cigar-chomping Late Show host's introduction to his winsome assistant Stephanie Birkitt on her first day as an intern in 1996, which was so vividly imagined by a Vulture commenter this morning. Still, though, who would've played Dave and Stephanie? John Michael Higgins made a great Letterman in the 1996 TV movie The Late Shift, but he's since been reduced to appearing in NBC sitcoms, so Halderman probably would've wanted a bigger name. How about gap-toothed Mad Men star Jared Harris? And, to portray Stephanie, why not 24's Mary Lynn Rajskub, who's terrific in anything? If you have better ideas (and we're sure you do), leave them in the comments.