Week In Review: Team Volturi!

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How many ways is New Moon (the movie) better than New Moon (the book)? We ran the numbers, and the answer is 34. This is less a testament to the vagina-less Chris Weitz than it is a credit to Kristin Stewart's much improved demeanor and Taylor Lautner's not-at-all restless abs. Besides, the tweens of America clearly didn't care how crappy the CGI werewolves looked, they just wanted to feast their eyes on Robert Pattinson's sparklechest.

On the same day that Oprah pledged to leave daytime (and Chicago) in her rear view mirror, James Franco stepped in to save it. January Jones bombed while Jason Segel crooned. Radiohead got judged and Anvil got snubbed. David Lynch and Aaron Sorkin returned, while Noel Gallagher stayed gone.

And lastly, Ken Ober died but Michael Jackson was born again. Circle of life, people.

Modern Family's Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara beefed. Wes Anderson got picky while everyone else got stoned. Bob Weinstein wants his name back, but Barney doesn't want Robin back (yet). Movie theater popcorn will get you fat, but Courtney Love remained thin. Miley Cyrus stayed mute on film but not in real life. British television actors tried American accents on for size, but Werner Herzog's accent will never change.

And lastly, Ken Ober died but Michael Jackson was born again. Circle of life, people.