Do you love the Situation? Of course you do! After enduring an excruciating 166-hour stretch without having any way to interact with the subspecies of Homo sapiens lovingly known as guido jersicanus, we made sure to cancel all of our social obligations last night so we could devour another hour of the anthropological awesomeness that is Jersey Shore in real time. Last night’s episode was a barn burner, one that featured a spirited girl-on-girl hot-tub make-out session AND the (not so surprise) departure of one of the show’s original eight cast members. So follow along, won’t you, as we count down the catchiest catchphrases from this week’s episode!
8. “Angelina was like a half-ass firecracker. It just fizzled out real quick and made a loud noise.” —Mike “the Situation”
After a few days spent either lounging around the Seaside Heights pad, coughing or cock blocking, Angelina “Jolie” got fired from her high-pressure job hawking airbrushed T-shirts at the Shore Store. Making matters worse, she got into a drunken argument with her married boyfriend during a “classy” (see below!) Saturday evening at Headliners. Fearing that her whole world was collapsing on her faster than the California coast slid into the ocean in 2012, Angelina “Jolie” packed up her clear plastic garbage bag and skulked her way out of the Jersey Shore house once and for all. While Angelina made two strong contributions to last week’s Catchphrase Countdown (“I feel like this is beneath me, I’m a bartender, I do great things” and “I’ll cut your hair when you sleep”), we can’t say that she’ll be missed.
7. “Saturday night, I’m going to Headliners, I’m looking to have more of a classy night tonight.” —Vinnie “Pinkeye”
Okay, so “Pinkeye” isn’t Vinnie’s official nickname, but don’t you think it really should be? Either that or the “Invisible Man,” because the owner of the Shore Store has been consistently racking up more airtime than our boring friend Vinnie. Let’s hope that he finds a good guidette to cozy up to in the coming weeks.
6. “Next thing you know, the grill is legit burnt. Smoke. Like flames.” —Sammi “Sweetheart”
We know that this isn’t an episode of Top Chef, but you don’t exactly have to be Professor Bar-B-Q to realize that you’re not supposed to add charcoal to a gas grill. Ronnie Pauly D and the Situation clearly never learned this lesson and, in the process, almost started a blaze in Seaside Heights to rival the Great Fire of London.
5. “That’s what I like. A good guy and a jerk-off. All in the same.” —Nicole “Snooki”
Poor Shnickers Snooki! All she’s looking for is a warm body that she can cuddle up next to in the middle of the night. Doesn’t matter if it’s a guy (like the Situation) or a girl (like her best friend “Ride Her” Ryder), but either way, Snooki is lookin’ for love. Which makes it even worse that next week’s episode will see her being punched out by a meathead gym teacher from Queens.
4. “When I left Karma, I don’t even know what was going on in my head. I’m gonna fuckin’ knock a bitch UP.” —Sammi “Sweetheart”
Sammi may be a self-proclaimed Sweetheart, but when word gets back to her that her Seaside slice of capicola, Ronnie, allegedly left Karma with Jenni “J-WOWW” Farley (side note: Be sure to check out JWOWW.com!), the claws came out. Sadly, this catchphrase-in-the-making occurred at the tail end of last night’s episode, so we’ll have to wait until next week to see if we’ll be treated to a catfight to rival the Miller Lite girls.
3. “I had a feeling where I wanted to make out with somebody, so, um, I just made out with Ryder, because all the guys like that.” —Nicole “Snooki”
You know how progressive communities add fluoride to their water system as a means of helping to prevent cavities and tooth decay? Well, we only hope that the good people at 495 Productions had the good sense to add liquid Valtrex to the water supply of the Jersey Shore rooftop hot tub as a preventative measure.
2. “Yo, seriously, she’s like on a whole ‘nother level on pickles.” —Jenni “J-WOWW”
After making a run at being the MVP (Most Vapid Partier) of the Jersey Shore house last week, J-WOWW spent most of this week’s episode feeling guilty for loving Pauly D’s pierced penis so much (see below). However, she did manage to casually drop this gem into conversation after Shnickers Snooki went to town on a dill. Get your heads out of the gutter, people, Snooki just likes them for their juices!
1. “She just doesn’t want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue.” -Pauly D
The perpetually gelled-up Pauly D has a way with words, a way that is both refreshingly honest and uncluttered with innuendo. He says what he means and he means what he says. We can’t help but admire this trait of his.
BONUS QUOTES!
Okay, so these technically occurred during the Jersey Shore After Show, but we’re going to count them anyway.
B1. “You know, your Situation looks kinda spicy.” —Mike “the Situation”
Julissa Bermudez, check yourself! The Situation has locked you in his sights. Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing a pair of hot pants emblazoned with his signature catchphrase.
B2. “Damn girl, you got a weird agenda.” —Mike “the Situation”
Wondering why there was so much residual tension between the Situation and Jolie? Turns out that they hooked up many, many times before this show even aired. According to Mike, their relationship was so serious that Jolie even introduced him to her mom! Wonder if she loved the Situation? Who are we kidding, of course she did.
DOUBLE SECRET BONUS!
You are going to LOVE this Situation. The countdown, now in video form!
