It’s that time again, people! The most recent episode of Jersey Shore was fraught with more drama than an entry in Mary J. Blige’s diary. So fix yourself up a heaping plate of Vinny’s mom’s ziti, break out the cold cuts, and mix yourself a fresh glass of Ron Ron juice as we recount the myriad fights, both verbal and physical, that went down on the boardwalks of Sleazeside Heights last night.
10. “Vinny knows that I’m pretty much the man of the house and not to push it too far or I’m gonna, you know, throw him in the trunk.” —Mike “the Situation”
This quote is a perfect example of the Situation’s bark being much worse than his bite. In an interview with the producers, he mock threatens to pull a page out of the Goodfellas handbook if his roommate Vinny gets handsy with his little sister. However, when the two were actually in the same room together, the Situation seemed pretty cool with Vinny playing her escort at Karma for the evening.
9. “She’s Mike without a six-pack.” —Pauly D
Fortunately for the Situation, once Vinny saw that his potential hookup looked almost exactly like Sleazeside’s most notorious Lothario, his desire to creep on her sunk to depths we haven’t seen since he got pinkeye.
8. “When we’re out on the battlefield, I’m like the first strike.” —the Situation
There are many thousands of things that we admire about the Situation, but one of the more prominent is his ability to break out war metaphors when discussing hookup scenarios. We neglected to include his awesome grenade metaphor in our recap a few weeks back, but we won’t make the same mistake this time. This line came when the Situation and the rest of the cast members rolled into Karma looking to creep, and Mike aptly described himself as a Navy SEAL of the dance floor. Bravo!
7. “Is that fake Louis Vuitton? What is that, a sundress? ‘Cause I never seen [bleep]. I think my grandma wears that.” —Sammi “Sweetheart”
Oh, Sammi! If it weren’t for your incessant smack-talking, our boy Ron Ron wouldn’t have had to engage in fisticuffs with a drunken Jersey lout as a means of defending your honor. Still, we thought that the insults she hurled at said lout’s trash-bag girlfriend were quite funny, even if we couldn’t quite figure out what it was that MTV bleeped out. Were any of you juiceheads able to decipher it?
6. “Unbelievable, huh, Snooks? It’s so hard to find a good man these days. That’s why I date women.” —Pauly D
Truth!
5. “Listen, let’s go back to the house and get some pizza.” —the Situation
Mike, Mike, Mike. Don’t you know that you’re going to attract a herd of hippos when you use lines like that to lure women back to the beach house? Still, we can’t really blame the Situation for using this as a pickup line; he hasn’t gotten any action in the last few episodes, so his desperation is (temporarily) forgiven.
4. “I understand where she’s coming from ‘cause I just got hit in the face by a guy.” —Snooki
You gotta love our gal Shnickers Snooks standing up for not only her gal Sammi “Sweetheart,” but for victims of domestic violence everywhere. Empathy!
3. “Gym, tanning, laundry. You know, that’s how they, like, make the guidos.” —Vinny
Until last night, we would’ve gone to our grave arguing that Pythagoras came up with the coolest equation of all time. However, Vinny’s innovative GTL theorem is destined to be taught in schools all across this great nation of ours for years and years to come.
2. “He fuckin’ said your feet’s like fuckin’ Fred Flintstone. Fuck you, you fuckin’ bastard.” —Sammi “Sweetheart”
So much drama in the LBC! Last night, the budding relationship between Ron Ron and Sammi “Sweetheart” almost crumbled on multiple occasions. The first such instance came during a drunken minivan ride back home from Karma when Ronnie made the fatal error of making fun of Sammi’s doorstop-size big toe. C’mon, Sammi, we’re sure it can’t be any worse than Megan Fox’s thumbs! Then again, these kind of innocuous arguments are bound to arise when two stumpy bastards have a bit too much Ron Ron juice to drink. Fortunately, Ronnie proved himself to be the real “Sweetheart” in this relationship when he offered to suck on her big toe if it would make his girl feel better. Now that’s chivalry, people.
1. “I necessarily didn’t want to bring back any zoo creatures whatsoever. These broads probably smelled the food at the house.” —the Situation
Even though the Situation is in the midst of an unprecedented dry streak, his ability to turn a phrase remains unrivaled. Zoo creatures! As we do at this time every week, we bow to the Situation’s unparalleled awesomeness.
Yours always,
—Juice Springsteen
