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Big Love Recap: Everybody Hates Bill

Wow, Bill got the Republican nomination! We did not see that coming.

So, at what point does Bill pinch Christopher’s nose shut, letting him choke to death, after their SUV goes off the road? And is the official reminder that Bill is a Republican, and not some successful polyamorous bohemian like we wish we were, supposed to help clue us blue-staters in to the fact that he is a bad, bad man?

Because we’re feeling kind of over Bill. In lieu of a regular recap, we’re just going to list some of the shitty things he is responsible for this season.

• Bill is making Ben, truly his father’s son, a scapegoat for Bill’s own treacherous notions about women.

• He called Nicki a “good girl” for spying on the Colburn campaign. Yucky.

• He has also gone for weeks without having sex with Nicki. Who does that?

• He made Don, wonderful Don, “take the bullet” for their shared enterprise of funding polygamy.

• He is not nearly as hot as Tommy.

• He fathered Teeny 2.0 (or so we’re supposed to believe).

• He has three wives and we don’t even know how many children, and yet he has no pets. What kind of family man doesn’t allow pets? (Remember Tony’s ducks?)

• He is seemingly incapable of sexual tension — he and Ana had no chemistry, and there’s no subtext to his professional relationship with Marilyn, who is played with smoldering intensity by our favorite weird-hot seventies actress, Sissy Spacek.

But hey, at least he’s not as bloated as Luke Wilson.

More Recaps:
Dave Itzkoff wrote a semi-funny post about falling asleep during the show.
KDiddy at MamaPop: “JESUS CHRIST TEENY.”

Photo: Courtesy of HBO