So, Jesse James: You’ve just cheated on your Oscar-winning, America-charming, movie-star wife with a tattoo model nicknamed “Bombshell” who has posed in Nazi memorabilia. What are you going to do now? Go to Disneyland? No?
Of all the holy-smoke-what-was-he-thinking sex scandals of the past few years, yours might actually be the holy smokiest. But we believe there are still some opportunities out there for you. After all, your current career of not looking scary thanks to Sandra Bullock’s endorsement no longer seems viable.
Here, then, are a few humble proposals for your next step:
1. Reality-Show Spinoff. Believe it or not, Jesse James, you were once famous for more than simply being The Guy Who Cheated on Sandra Bullock With Michelle McGee the Nazi-Memorabilia-Sporting Tattoo Model. For example, you used to be famous as The Guy Who Divorced His Pregnant Porn-Star Wife Then Hooked Up With Sandra Bullock.
Now, if we take those two identities and throw them in a blender, you know what comes out? A reality show! America, are you telling me you wouldn’t watch Bombshell Manor or Shame-Faced Ink, starring James and McGee, with occasional cameos by ex-wife Janine Lindemulder and restraining orders from Bullock? Remember, Kendra is currently a reality hit, and it doesn’t even have any adultery or Nazi stuff in it last we checked (though, to be fair, we haven’t watched for a few weeks).
2. Start a charity foundation. You first achieved fame as the CEO of West Coast Choppers, showing off your custom-hog-building prowess in your series Monster Garage. So a new charity foundation gives you both the chance to get back to your roots and give back to the community. Just picture it: Jesse James’s Custom-Built Choppers for Kids. It can be followed up quickly with: The Jesse James Foundation for Juvenile Facial Reconstructive Surgery. Plus, helping other kids might make your own shell-shocked kids think that maybe you’re not that bad.
3. Another reality-show idea! Host a new series titled At Least Right After You Won an Oscar You Didn’t Find Out He’d Been Cheating on You With a Tattoo Model Who’s Also a Part-Time Nazi, in which you show up at the doors of people in incredibly dire straits and reassure them that life could be worse if, well, you know.
4. Appear on Celebrity Apprentice. If they’ll take Blagojevich, they’ll take anyone. Oh wait, you already did this show. Well, maybe you need to move down to the next rung on the reality-show ladder. Oh wait, there is no rung below Celebrity Apprentice — until someone creates Dancing With Sex Addicts or So You Think You Can Alienate an Entire Nation Minus Its Hitler Fans.
5. Become Tiger Woods’s caddie. “What do you think? Nine iron? Also, I’m an idiot.” “Nah, I’d go wedge. Also, me too.”
6. Become a gun-toting folk-hero outlaw terrorizing the Wild West. All you need are some six shooters, a Stetson, a time machine, and something to scrub those gol-darned tat sleeves off your arms, lest someone in the Old West mistake you for an escaped carnie.
7. Move to Canada and join the seal hunt. Because at this point, clubbing baby seals might actually make people like you better.