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arrrr!

Our Application for the Warner Bros.’ New ‘Anti-Piracy Intern’ Position

Recently, Warner Bros. U.K. posted a call for a 17,500-pounds-per-year “anti-piracy intern.” One Vulture writer applied for the job:

Dear Warner Bros. U.K.:

I read your recent posting on the University of Manchester’s jobs board, and I couldn’t be more excited to apply for the position of “Anti-Piracy Intern.” I have always been enthusiastic about spying on “private sites,” scanning for “pirated WB and NBCU content,” making “trap purchases of pirated product,” and inputting data into a futuristic “forensics database.” It sounds like 21 Jump Street meets Hackers! I am confident I have the experience you are looking for: You write that you are seeking “strong organization and communication skills,” and I am Twittering this letter in 140-character bursts. You also request experience “including peer protocols”: Let’s just say I have ownloaded-day about 60,000 ongs-say via itTorrent-Bay. (Wink, wink.)

I believe in your cause, and am grateful for it. Your posting says to students like myself, “We appreciate you so much that we’re going to watch over you at all times, like that big brother you never had.” I would love to give back to such a thoughtful industry, as well as a forward-thinking one; you’ve clearly learned from the music biz. When kids began downloading MP3s and realized how cheap it was to burn CDs, the record labels increased CD prices — this only drove people to do more free downloads. But you have outsmarted them: Instead of upping the price of existing technology, you developed a new one, charging $40 for Blu-ray disks. Sure, it didn't work out, but it showed you weren't to be messed with. (Personally, I couldn't afford the player or discs myself, but I loved them in theory.)

I’m also looking forward to helping you build up your legal caseload. I'm thrilled to hear that 20,000 lawsuits were filed against movie downloaders last week alone — and that 30,000 more are reportedly on the way. The music industry might have made some mistakes, but their expensive lawsuits nearly stopped piracy, won the hearts and minds of music fans, and really put a dent in downloading.

I’m also looking forward to helping you build up your legal caseload. I'm thrilled to hear that 20,000 lawsuits were filed against movie downloaders last week alone — and that 30,000 more are reportedly on the way. The music industry might have made some mistakes, but their expensive lawsuits nearly stopped piracy, won the hearts and minds of music fans, and really put a dent in downloading.

On a personal note, Warner Bros., when I read your ad, it was like I was watching your movie The Matrix all over again, and Trinity was telling Neo: “I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer.” I’ve always dreamed that someday I might become a heroic hacker working to bring down the system and let information be free, and usher in a “world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries.” Now I’ve got the chance to be Neo and Mr. Smith at the same time!

Warner Bros., I am your “Anti-Piracy Intern.” I am the One.

Sincerely, Logan Hill

Photo: Disney Pictures