MTV's The Hills returns tonight for its sixth and final season, promising, as always, to simultaneously entertain and depress, to make us happy for our own lives, and also aghast that those lives include watching this show. But now it is coming to an end, which means it's the last chance for these "people" to do the right thing and see the error of their shallow, bickering ways. This is unlikely. And yet, optimists that we are, we've outlined our best hopes for how each of the characters will fare in this last season and beyond. And, because we are also realists, we have followed it up with our resigned prediction for what will likely happen.
What we hope happens: She's a tough one to begin with. It's hard to pick an ideal outcome for someone whose hopes and dreams are so elusive. We know that she's an up-and-coming actress, with a few straight-to-DVD movies under her belt, and is a spokesperson for the "We Are Ellis Island" campaign to raise funds for the historic area, but we don't really understand what drives her as a person. What's her motivation? Is it fame? Well, yes. Is it money? Yes, probably. Is it the serious craft of acting? Eh, probably not. So we'll set a low bar for our wishes, that Kristin learns from Lauren's example and slinks far away from the Stacie the Bartenders of the world. She seems too smart to just yell and claw at every girl who threatens her.
What will likely happen: Cavallari will walk into the sunset with a few broken hearts and a number of nightclub screaming matches to her credit. She'll continue to act in low-budget movies until she marries someone just rich enough so she can stop working, after which she'll have two kids and put out an exercise video titled How to Get Rid of Your Hills, and by "Hills," she'll mean stomach rolls, not old DVDs of the show.
What we hope happens:
Lo, oh, Lo, come back to us! Okay, so it's not like she's friends with any of the remaining cast members, and she's so much quicker than any of them that it pains us to watch her interact with, say, Audrina, but in our dream world, Lo would take a bigger role and switch places with Kristin the narrator, giving us her take on all the inanity that occurs each week.
What will likely happen: She'll continue to pop up now and again to roll her eyes. After the show ends, she’ll once again become a normal person, and probably end up working as a put-together gallerina (she majored in art history — thank you Wikipedia!). She might even produce her own line of headbands called "LoLo's Haircessories."
What we hope happens: We’d like nothing more than to see Audrina buy a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You (or at least watch the movie. We’re not entirely sure that Audrina can read, as we’ve seen no actual evidence other than her slogan tees which say stuff like “Slut”); she could then figure out once and for all that Justin Bobby is playing her like a priceless violin. We want her to experience a Bridget Jones–style empowerment sequence in which she renounces men, gives up booze, and starts to exercise, while learning the lesson that no one will value her until she values herself. We’d also love a story line in which Audrina goes back to college to receive her degree in music management, and then returns to her internship, triumphant, as Lady Gaga’s new manager.
What will likely happen: Audrina will continue to pursue Justin, much to her own degradation, and will basically do little besides blink, smile, and wear cheesy and revealing clothing. She'll get her own reality show, Audrina's World, doing much the same thing. She'll eventually join the cast of The Real Housewives of Orange County, filling the role of "the dumb one" if that vacancy exists.
What we hope happens: Steph needs to get the heck out of everyone else’s business and work on getting her own life in line. Meaning: no more drugs and no more bulimia. There’s really nothing funny about this — that girl needs help.
What will likely happen: Sadly, she’ll continue on her path of self-destruction and incessant meddling, managing to look crazy and sad in the process. After The Hills ends, Stephanie will live off her parents until they’re broke, and then who knows, it’s too frightening to contemplate, but we’re not seeing good things in her future. Again, that girl needs help! MTV, we’re looking at you.
What we hope happens: Justin Bobby is the one character we demand no growth from. In order to satisfy us, he needs only to keep acting like Justin Bobby, which shouldn’t be too hard. He’ll have to spout nonsensical ramblings, toy with Audrina’s head like the genius that he is, and continue to eschew showering until his hair is near wet with grease (yum!). Any epiphanies would only taint our pure love for him, which stems from his unwillingness to change, grow, or act like a normal human being.
What will likely happen: Pretty much what we hope, for the rest of his life.
What we hope happens: We dream a dream in which Spencer Pratt gets what’s coming to him. Be it by way of revenge by another cast member, or public embarrassment over some gaffe or another (assuming he can feel shame, which is unlikely), we’d love to see Spencie fall ... hard. Perhaps Brody kicks him in the groin, perhaps Lo trips him on live TV, perhaps Heidi reveals that he isn’t well-endowed. We’ll happily take whatever small humiliations come his way. There is such a thing as being entertaining, and such a thing as being the devil incarnate, and Prattster crossed that line long ago. We have no human sympathy for him; the man is a monster.
What will likely happen: None of the above. Spencer will continue his reign of terror on The Hills and on society, and probably become the next governor of California. And a billionaire. God help us all.
What we hope happens: How great would it be if Heidi’s mom convinces her that she was crazy to get all that bizarre plastic surgery, that Spencer is the wrong guy, and that she should move back home in order to reorient her life? So, so great. A satisfying final end for Heidi would include much therapy (and not from the fake couples therapist Dr. Mansbacher), and, like Audrina, an empowerment realization that includes weight training, cutting her hair, and renouncing her fake boobs. She and Lo would become best friends and travel the world over, lecturing teenage girls about the perils of stardom and domineering husbands.
What will likely happen: Heidi will get plastic surgery after surgery, until she resembles more of an alien than the cute girl she once was; Spencer will egg her on during this process, manipulating her into talking to no one but him. She will continue her “singing” career, releasing single after horrible single, appear on the cover of Us Weekly every other week, and generally represent what is wrong with this country. She will die happy and rich.
What we hope happens: Brody will wear his sunglasses inside one too many times and become afflicted with a rare disease called dbagitis, causing him to give away all his BMWs to charity and dedicate his life to helping underprivileged, ugly (you know how Brody hates ugly) children. He'll propose to Lauren Conrad and they'll live happily ever after and have babies with very white teeth.
What will likely happen: Brody will drive around in his car, say misogynistic things, and every now and then surprise and charm us with his wit. He'll end up working for his dad's company, being a regular on various reality-TV shows, and finally meeting his future wife through Tiger Woods's former escort service.