The big headlines in East Dillon this week — if East Dillon had a newspaper, which it doesn’t, because, as we’re constantly reminded, it’s a very poor part of town, and besides, have you been paying attention to the plight of daily papers in this country? — would be about how the football team doesn’t have enough money to pay for new uniforms. Why do they need new uniforms? Oh, that’s right: Last week Coach, like an Iron John–reading Beavis, encouraged his team to burn their old ones in an oil drum. Way to plan ahead, Coach!