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The Hills Recap: Crystal Clear Now

Best line from last night, spoken by a surprisingly wizened Charlie (who’s clearly hiding Enzo in a closet): “I don’t think your crystals are working, ‘cause you’re fucking hyperventilating over here.” Whoa, is Spencer living in Crazy Town, or what? Listen, we don’t doubt the power of crystals; when we were in nursery school, this nice lady in long flowy skirts used to come sing folk songs about rainbows and such, and for our birthday, she gave us a purple amethyst quartz crystal. It was literally just a jagged purple rock, but we used to carry it around with us whenever we could, as she’d said it would bring good luck. And it did! Well, we are alive today, writing the recap of this soul-crushing show, and what could be better luck than that? This episode, though not as climactic as the premiere, shed more light on Heidi and Spencer’s insanity, which has crossed over from "they’re in on the joke ha-ha," to frighteningly real. “I cannot help that my brother’s lost his mind,” says Stephanie resignedly. We cannot help that, either, but we can document it as best we can. On with it!


Credits!


Credits!


Rumors, rumors, boooring. Stephanie and Lo are driving around, discussing the stories circulating about Kristin. “Oh my God, listen to what someone just sent me — Kristin Cavallari headed to rehab, scary rapid weight loss, friends say Cavallari needs help,” Lo reads from her phone. Stephanie just innocently focuses on the road. Kristin pays a visit to our old friend Stacie the Bartender, who is sounding more and more like a Muppet Baby with every passing episode. GET THE FROG OUT OF YOUR THROAT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. She doesn’t hear our entreaty, and so continues to talk to Kristin about who could have spread the rumors. They both decide it was Stephanie. “Lo wouldn’t say anything; Lo’s too much of a chicken to say anything about anybody,” says Stacie. Wait, so by spreading the rumors you’re a bitch, but by not spreading them, you’re a chicken? These girls are tough to please. Then, in order to further clear her rep for drinking, Kristin has … a drink! This girl makes no sense. Stacie suggests that Kristin should “kick [Stephanie’s] ass.” OMG, revelation! She is Joey Lauren Adams’s character from Dazed and Confused. Watch this and tell us you don’t disagree.


On to the creepy twins, Spencer and Heidi, who decide to go to the party and make their debut among “civilians.” “I’m so excited to go to Kristin’s party and show them my 3.0 body,” says Heidi. “10.0, perfect ten!” adds Spencer, who is looking more like an eighties-movie bad guy than ever before. He's like a cross between Johnny from The Karate Kid and Biff from Back to the Future ... plus a face-eating beard. And why is his hair so puffy and productless? Is that part of his shaman and crystal craziness? Regardless, he looks bad. After a brief scene in which Brody and Frankie shoot hoops, badly, and Brody yet again charms us with his insights (Re: Audrina and Ryan C. — "It’s cool that they’re together, because they have a lot in common. They can borrow each other’s clothes, jeans, hair gel … " Re: Heidi — "If she doesn’t look good, that sucks — after ten surgeries, you'd better look good!”), we move on to the shindig, during which many notable events occur, listed below.


1. Ryan Cabrera materializes! He tries to shake Brody’s hand, who disses him, though that may just be tricky editing at work. His hair is very, very, very large and spiky and disturbing to look at. Also, he's wearing red jeans. Sigh.


2. Audrina’s dead eyes return. Oh, how we’ve missed them.


3. Everybody hilariously reacts to Heidi’s new face and body. “Oh, my … ” Brody trails off mid-sentence. “Look at your boobs!” remarks a rightly astonished Kristin. Heidi gives everyone “surgery hugs,” explaining that the surgeon cut into her back and sides (and, okay, didn’t shave off any leg bones … but we can dream, can’t we?!). Kristin sums up the world’s reaction: “ow, ow, ow!”


4. Spencer displays new levels of lunacy and nastiness, first bringing a large crystal as a housewarming gift, and then showing off his crystal necklaces to Brody and Charlie (“I’m vibrationally tuned in”). Then he goes on a disturbing rant against Stephanie, which you can see in the video below, but with even more venom than usual, calling her a “crazy bitch,” mocking her tears, and generally flipping out. Watching Spencer in this mode gives us the chills; it's as if we're seeing someone on the brink of doing something very, very evil.


5. Something else happens in regard to the pesky rumors, but we’re not paying attention.


So Charlie confronts Spencer about his wacky behavior the next day, and you know something is wrong when we're looking to Charlie for sane, reasonable advice. "Want to see my ultimate powerful?" asks Spencer, who then hands Charlie a dirty feather. "Spencer, this is a seagull feather from the Pacific Palisades, this is bird-flu status." Charlie is actually kind of funny — we're discovering many new things about this matted-haired, mustached man. "It’s your life, it's you and your wife against the world, I get it," he says to Spencer, who's breathing heavily, and insists that everyone's out to get him. "What are you going to do? Build the biggest walls you possibly can and cord yourself off from reality?" asks Charlie. The conversation ends with Spencer pressing his face against one of his protective crystals, and MTV should really provide professional help for this; it's sad and troubling.


We end the episode with a ridiculously stupid meeting between Kristin and Stephanie, in which Kristin accuses Stephanie of being "two-faced," and Stephanie calls Kristin a "mean person," and they are both right. The girls stalk off into the night in different directions, as Adam Lambert sings the pressing question: "Whataya want from me?"


And now, our unequivocal Hills reality index!


As real as Spencer's crazy eyes:

The fight between Spencer and Stephanie didn't seem staged; Spencer's cruelty is always in rare form when directed at Steph, and this fit the pattern of his recent outbursts. Stephanie is a disturbed liar, yes, but you have to feel for her in this situation. She has the worst brother EVER.

Heidi's excitement about showing off her 3.0 body at the party. It's how we feel when we have a new outfit to wear out, but for Heidi, it's a new face. Weird, but real.

Kristin's delight at receiving a crystal from Spencer. Well, it wasn't genuine delight, but it was genuine faux delight, and for that it lands in our "real" category.

As fake as Brody's enduring love for Audrina

That basketball scene between Brody and Frankie was completely for the cameras' sake, but we enjoyed it nonetheless. Brody's ragging on Frankie for wearing a professional-ish basketball uniform was pretty hilarious.

If Kristin hates these people so much, why would she invite them to her party? Oh, that's right ... she has to, it's in her contract.

Stephanie's "good person" act. You're not fooling anyone, Steph.

Other Recaps:
At TWOP, LadyLola goes into hilarious detail about Kristin’s party: “[Heidi’s] in a bright red A.C. hooker dress that her breasts are actually sewn into (but just barely), and [Spencer’s] wearing his crystals and a grandpa cardigan.”
Free Britney at thehollywoodgossip.com is amused by the drama. "Stephanie starts to make small talk with Spencer Pratt, but gets so choked up and starts to cry. Spencer berates her. How awesomely dysfunctional."




Photo: MTV