“The Pratts are a bunch of crazy, crazy kids,” says Kristin, walking down the beach with Brody in the opening scene of last night’s episode. It’s basically the theme of the evening (and, most likely, final season), with some other invented drama to go along with this Spencer-going-psycho story line. Have you ever seen Cape Fear — the newer one with Robert De Niro? We saw it again recently while on a Nick Nolte–heavy Netflix kick (don’t ask; though The Prince of Tides holds up surprisingly well in spite of Barbra Streisand’s hideous fake nails), and couldn’t help but see a freaky similarity between De Niro’s crazed revenge seeker and Spencer Pratt — it’s all about simmering rage, of which Spencer has an abundance. During a few of his outbursts last night we thought to ourselves, No, this can’t be real, can it? It felt like he was reading lines from a bad thriller, complete with gratuitous word repetition ("I was praying, praying like I do every day ... "). He’d try to restrain himself, breathe deeply a few times, but you could see the anger rising up from his taut neck into his pale face like a cartoon tea kettle about to blow off its lid.
And did you notice how violent and sexual his imagery was? Continually calling Heidi’s mom a “vagina,” talking about murdering people, rape, assaulting Holly — if he ends up hurting someone, will MTV be held responsible? (In Cape Fear, when De Niro finally let loose, he killed two people and tried to murder three more. Granted, he didn't have calming crystals hanging from his neck at all times like Spencer does.) Remember when The Hills was light and fluffy, more about taking tequila shots than abusive relationships? As much as we complained then, these days our job has taken a darker turn. Can someone please buy us some calming crystals?
On to that walk on the beach with Kristin and Brody, who discuss a different kind of horror story — “a rager at Spencer and Heidi’s for little Enzo’s birthday.” The return of Enzo! We knew it would come eventually! “I think it’s kind of weird that Heidi’s having this party for a 6-year-old,” says Kristin. “Really? I think it’s kind of normal,” deadpans Brody. Nothing else happens here other than slight flirting, discussion of Audrina and Ryan Cabrera (“I would hook up with her,” says Brody. Well, duh), and Kristin’s impressive bikini body, of which she’s rightly proud. We’re Facebook friends with some college-age girls, and they’re wearing bikinis in, like, every one of their 2,347 pictures. It’s crazy! Plus, their hands are on their hips for each shot, like they’re doing some glamorous pose on the red carpet. Does anyone know what this is about? Is this The Hills' influence? Thank God we missed this trend.
So Heidi has hired a party planner, Lisa, to organize Enzo’s 7th-birthday party; she wants animals, wizards, “the biggest, best party for a 7-year-old!” Heidi’s eyes remind us of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’s character Mystique in X-Men; they’re weirdly yellowish and unfocused, and clearly the key to the demented soul underneath that plastic-surgery costume she calls a body. Plus, her breasts are HUGE. Spencer shows up and complains about having to throw this child's shindig, and even though he’s insane, we’ve got to side with him on this. “I’m sure when you were young, your mom threw you great parties!” says Heidi, whose voice has also gone up an octave since unveiling her 3.0 body. “We’re working on your spirit,” she pleads with him. Spencer goes inside, and Lisa just stands there looking silly.
There’s a series of throwaway scenes (anything without Speidi seems like a throwaway these days). First, Brody, Frankie, and Taylor get Brody’s new “dream car since he was 18,” and then drive off to race in a Porsche, Ferrari, and said dream car. Is that really so gratifying when it's your parents who actually paid for and own the car? It is? Oh, okay. Then Kristin, Stacie, and the boys go bowling, and there’s more talk of Kristin and Brody, until Audrina, Ryan C., and his hair show up. Brody and Charlie make fun of Ryan’s tuxedo shoes, and Aud explains that Brody has a crush on her. Whatever, this is boring, get back to Cape Fear, please.
Here we are, plus: Balloons! Lambs! Elephants! All set to the Jersey Shore theme song (which reminds us how much we miss that show, free of creeps like Spencer Ronnie may be aggressive, but he’s no sociopath). Enzo’s party is like a druggie dream sequence, complete with talking animals and copious amounts of junk food. Heidi and Enzo ride an elephant together — you read that right — "scary!” he says. Yes, yes, Enzo, it is. Aaaand he still looks like Chuckie. Sorry, we know he’s only 7, but it’s true. Brody and the gang hang around and talk about how weird this party is, and how insane Spencer is acting (there’s a hilarious cut-away shot to Spence petting and kissing a baby lamb). “This is the first time I’ve been at a party where there aren’t people I want to muuuurrrrdddeeerrrr,” says Spencer, charmingly. “I’m going to send him after [Heidi's mom] Darlene,” he continues, referring to a kid making a machine gun sound. Holly, Darlene’s other daughter, perks up when Spencer starts dissing her family. Describing Heidi’s home visit, Spencer says, “Guess her mom didn’t have a good run on the mountain that day, 'cause when Heidi got there, she decided to try to rape my wife emotionally in every single crevice on her body ” Oh, dear. “She’s not God, she didn’t make Heidi, she’s just a vagina!” Obviously, Holly and Spencer get in a fight about this, and Spencer flips out. Everyone just kind of stares at him uncomfortably as he continues to pet his baby lamb. Yeesh.
Audrina and Ryan have “the talk,” and it’s surprisingly cute. She mentions that she wants to be exclusive, and he thought they already were. “I want our relationship to be the best relationship ever,” Ryan’s hair says. Aw. “I’m so happy with you,” she says, and though her eyes are dead, we feel like she really means it. But really: WHERE IS JUSTIN BOBBY? This is getting ridiculous.
Final scene: Heidi and Holly meet to talk about Holly’s problems with Spencer, but before they get a word in, Spencer appears out of nowhere. “Hello, sister!” says Spencer through his teeth, and though he doesn't follow it up with "Here's Johnny!" it feels like that's what's coming next. And it sort of does. “What I wanted to do and say to you, dear WHOOOO!” he seethes at Holly. You can watch his whole rant in the video below. "I’m very emotional these days very,” he adds, and they start screaming at each other. Holly starts crying; “I don’t even have your number, and he’s always with you. He scares me ” She entreats her younger sister, to no avail. He scares us too, Holly. He scares us, too.
And now, our unequivocal Hills reality index!
As real as Ryan Cabrera's decision to wear tuxedo shoes to a bowling party:
Brody and Kristin's chemistry; when they were having a drink and making fun of Ryan C. their comfort level was definitely genuine and cute.
Holly's frightened tears. Ahhhh, be careful, Holly!
"Chunky heels are easier to walk in," says Kristin. "They’re so much easier," says Audrina. A real conversation between two twentysomething girls, folks. There you have it.
As fake as Heidi's love for children:
Where are Enzo's parents? They just let a random reality-TV couple down the street care for their child? This whole plotline stinks of MTV meddling.
Yeah, like Brody and Charlie and Frankie would really attend a kid's birthday party if they weren't being paid to.
Okay, so the MTV producers clearly forced Audrina and Ryan to have "the talk" on camera, and for that, the couple rewarded them with one of the most awkward interactions ever. Ryan's eyes were focused on Audrina's shoulder the entire time, and Aud had a hard time not interrupting with her next line. And yet, as we said in the recap, it was still pretty sweet. What can we say, we're suckers for fake romance.