This week in The Hills’ life lessons: Be careful what you wish for. Be it a drama-averse boyfriend with six-foot-tall hair, a steady hook-up who’s mysteriously with and without stubble, or a Speidi-less show. And while we’ve never yearned for Ryan Cabrera’s full face, nor hoped to land Brody as a steady, we did complain about Speidi’s appropriation of this season and the darkness that their story line brought to the once frothy series. And so on last night’s episode, without Heidi’s augmentation and Spencer’s crystals to distract us from the fun, we thought we’d be able to once again enjoy the cast’s vapidity for its amusing, unintentional humor. Yet after finishing “A New Bird,” we were left strangely bereft, slightly hungry, empty without the dark shadow of the Pratts. Also: bored. Once you’ve witnessed the workings of the devil, everything just seems paler in comparison (though eating a few cookies helps with the hunger part, FYI). In the wise words of Stephanie Pratt: “It’s not light once you’ve been to jail, Audrina.”
So we open with a bearded Brody and Kristin, at a bar with Wheel of Fortune drink specials, once again discussing their non-dating status. “I’m not dating anyone,” states Kristin, to which Brody yet again reminds us that he’s “enjoying being single.” We get it, Brody, someone at MTV wrote that line for you and, miraculously, your little brain remembers it, so you’re going to repeat it over and over (Yeesh, we’re clearly in a bad mood already). He tells Kristin that he’s going to go on a date with someone else. Whatever.
Let’s discuss the Ryan-Audrina story line first, as we can’t really contain our excitement about next episode’s preview and the RETURN OF JUSTIN BOBBY, SANS HAIR. If he can’t restore our love for this show, nothing can. So this week is all a set up for Audrina possibly straying into the arms of JB (YES, YES, YES), and it’s actually kind of sad for Ryan, as they’re painting him as the absentee boyfriend, when really he just doesn’t want to go out with Audrina’s annoying friends. The fact that he eventually does is a testament to his true love for this dim, but pretty girl (well, both her and screen time). We see them together finishing lunch: “Thanks for lunch, baby,” says Ryan, who is looking more and more like a beefed-up version of Tintin. His hair is so insane; it’s really the only thing left on The Hills that brings us joy. Aud invites him out with the gang, but he declines. “I don’t want no drama no drama!” He semi-sings this last part of the sentence and reminds us why we’ve never bought a Ryan Cabrera album. “I’ll be waiting at home, in my candy thong, reading The Catcher in the Rye,;” he continues. Aaaand J.D. Salinger just turned over in his grave. Ryan does end up going out with Audrina, and it seems like he and Brody have made up, which is probably best for Brody, as a headbutt from Cabrera's spikes is most likely lethal.
So now on to the Sober Stephanie plot, which is somewhat snoozy. She and Lo are walking around Melrose, chatting about her recent AA meeting. “I need something more in my life than AA meetings and going to bed at 10,” laments Steph. OMG, we have the best idea Get a job! Go to school! Alas, Stephanie means she’s ready for a boyfriend. Lo reveals that she has a guy in mind, one of her boyfriend Scott’s friends, and Stephanie is rightly concerned that he’ll be turned off when he finds out that she’s sober, has been arrested, and is the sister of the Devil. Lo assures her that “if someone freaks out, he’s just not a good enough person for you to date.” That is nice of her to say, but not true at all.
Next in this arc, Stephanie and Audrina have tea and talk about her upcoming double date. In order of importance, we find out that her date Max: has a car (phew) and has a job as a professional lacrosse player. Steph doesn’t know what lacrosse is. Who are these girls? Poor lacrosse really needs to get its PR in order — we can’t think of a sport right now with a worse rap, and that includes dog fighting and MMA. On to the date! Which actually goes pretty well! It’s funny to think back to when Stephanie called Kristin’s legs “tiny,” remember? Because Stephanie’s thighs in that dress are just about the size of our wrists and we have small wrists. Max is very cute, and we finally get to meet Lo’s boyfriend, Scott, who’s doing an apparel line for men? Oh, boo: We wish he were, like, a lawyer or something more upstanding. Stephanie is highly awkward throughout the evening, asking Max about his birthday and his sign, and she’s upset that he’s only 24 (one year older than she is). Lo sets her straight while on a joint trip to the bathroom: “He’s clearly far beyond any guy I’ve ever known you to date.” This is correct. Max gives Steph his jacket and asks for her number. Great success!
You know how sometimes we like Brody, and he’s all funny and cute and semi-well-adjusted? This episode is not one of those times. He goes out on date with a new girl named McKaela, who looks like a combo of evil Jayde and Stacie the Bartender, and they have some annoying flirty conversation about taking off clothes and scars or something ... sorry, we drifted off. Brody then takes McKaela out with him to Jane’s House (which is not, to our surprise, actually the house of a person named Jane), and immediately starts baiting Kristin into a fight. First he tells her that her hello to McKaela wasn’t "genuine" enough, and then yells at her as they leave: “This is the first girl you’ve ever met that I’ve ever brought out, you could be nice.” Wait, didn’t she meet Jayde? “I’m sorry if I didn’t hold her fucking hand,” Kristin snaps back. This is all just grating and is giving us a headache.
The two lovers have a final confrontation in Brody’s condo. “You’re rude, no, you, I’m mad at you, you’re disrespectful, blah, blah,” you can see it in the video below. The takeaway here: We like Kristin’s white jeans. We know that the ‘white pants only after Memorial Day’ rule doesn’t really exist anymore, but we can’t seem to break it, as every time we try, we hear our mother’s disapproving voice whispering in our ear. But after this week: white jeans = SO on. That is all, the end.
And now, our unequivocal Hills reality index!
As real as insecure Audrina's love of "having a label":
Aw, Kristin does actually like Brody. Aw, poor Kristin.
Lo and Scott seem like a pretty cute couple, right? Even though he kind of looks like a bird? Team Lo and Scott!
In that golfing scene, Brody and Charlie think they’re really funny, but they’re not. This rings true. Also: What the F is up with Charlie and the Yoda-like way he talks? And looks?
As fake as McKaela's spiel about needing "genuine friends":
Brody’s behavior, which we'll chalk up to MTV meddling. Why would he get so mad at Kristin otherwise? It doesn't make sense.
Stephanie's setup with Max, while cute, was completely fake. But good press for Scott's apparel line.
And a follow-up: Max is not actually interested in Stephanie. Oh, well. He looks good on TV, though.