Okay, we’ll admit, we cry during many movies and TV shows, including: Grey’s Anatomy reruns on Lifetime; Glee (only during Kurt’s songs); the end of every Parenthood; most any romantic comedy (unless it features an airport chase, as our tears are on strike for those — oh, except for the Love Actually airport chase, in which case, let 'em rip); any movie in which Meryl Streep or Diane Keaton plays a mom (Mamma Mia! excepted); any movie in which a dad gets separated from his kids (if you’re looking for a good cry, look no further than The Little Princess remake ”Papa! Papa!” Cue sobs!); Friday Night Lights before Tyra left; and countless others — but we have never, ever, ever cried during an episode of The Hills. Because to cry means we’re moved in some way, that there’s something good and redeemable and relatable in the characters of the story, and the vapid, self-involved, silly stars of The Hills have never justified any such description. Before last night’s episode, that is. Yes, folks, that’s right: The Hills has becomes so frightening, so fraught with genuine emotion, that it elicited our tears (okay, like, three). This is not good news for anyone involved.
We start off with Stephanie and Holly, Speidi’s two aggrieved sisters, meeting for a lunch to talk about their crazy relatives. “I feel like this is lunch one of, like, three,” says Steph, who, though a talented liar, clearly needs help with her exaggeration skills. They speak about their respective families, and of how isolated Heidi and Spencer have become. “They have no friends, they have no family, they have no one,” says Steph. “I just miss my sister,” says Holly, which starts off the story line that ends in our reaching for the Kleenex (not yet, though). Stephanie points out that it’d almost be easier to deal with them if they were doing drugs, which is probably true. Holly starts to cry. Sigh. When did this show get so depressing?
So Heidi and Kristin also have a lunch, and holy crap, we know we keep saying this, but it’s hard to get over how humongous Heidi’s breasts are. There’s a song playing as Heidi walks over — according to our Shazam (which actually works for once), it’s "The Last of the American Girls" by Green Day — and we guess it’s supposed to be ironic? “Look how cute you look,” opens Kristin. Also ironic? “You’re so little now, too,” she continues. Um, yeah, cause she had her freaking backbones shaved off: not a diet we’d recommend. So they start to talk about Kristin’s crush on Brody, but quickly get to the pressing matter of Spencer’s insanity. “I was scared of him,” says Kristin of Spencer’s recent behavior. “I don’t know how you ” Heidi explains it away — “You know Spencer, he was always crazy!” she says brightly. “I love him more than anything, it’s like, who am I without Spencer?” (Well, right now you’re just a sad, disturbed girl who looks like an alien and lives in a fantasy world with your abusive husband.) Heidi keeps touching her hair, pursing her oversize lips, and fidgeting and looking at the camera; it’s distracting and bizarre, and she looks uncomfortable in her new body, and we feel uncomfortable watching her. We’re trying to be funny about this, people, but it’s sort of impossible.
And now, for a short comedic interlude! Phew. Audrina goes to Ryan Cabrera’s studio (and it turns out he’s singing the song that’s playing on the soundtrack amazing!) to invite him to a get-together. “You made me nervous, I was like, uh-oh,” he greets her. Ryan reminds us of a 45-year-old dorky dad, with the slight pudginess to his face, the shirt unbuttoned one too many buttons, the cheesy sense of humor okay, so minus the tattoos and the six-foot-tall hair. He doesn’t want to go to the night out with Audrina’s friends, and we really can’t blame him. Audrina does her best to reach a “disappointed” face, but only gets to “bored.” Aw, Audrina, we sort of miss your endearing idiocy. (There’s a quick shot of someone on a motorcycle, and we literally screamed “Justin Bobby!” to our computer, but alas, it was not to be. Where is that scuzzy guy?)
Out at Wonderland, the gang is drinking, Kristin has a complicated but cute updo, and Brody is clean shaven. Stephanie nicely offers her spray-tanning machine for Kristin’s use. Heh. Brody pretends to hit on Audrina, who shuts it down quickly, and then Spencer arrives, looking angrier than ever. “The warden released me,” he jokes, and then his neck starts to tighten and his eyes get all glassy. Are we sure he’s not on drugs? We’re not? Okay. Audrina goes over to say hi and ask where Heidi is, and Spencer flips. “You are the lamest fucking girl in this club,” he spits at her. Whoa. Then he and Brody start yelling at each other, and Brody finally walks away. “These people don’t know how dangerous I am,” he says to no one in particular. We do, Spencer! We do. It almost looks like he’s crying in this scene, and the vein in his forehead is pulsating madly, to the point that we fear it may burst.
So Kristin and Audrina decide to have another intervention lunch with Heidi, and she totters in to the lecherous stares of old men. Gross. Heidi continues to defend Spencer. “It’s almost like you’re in denial,” says Audrina, astutely. “All guys are a little bit controlling,” Heidi assures the other two, to dubious stares. “Here’s the thing, you don’t know me. Spencer didn’t change me, I changed myself. I don’t have time, I don’t have energy, that’s why I’ve cut you off,” she continues, and then gives the camera another creepy look. Stop looking at the camera, Heidi! Your amphibian eyes are bewitching our soul.
Out at another club, Voyeur — which looks really exciting with all the flames and cage dancers! Everyone’s partying, Kristin’s hair is down and straight, and Brody has a full-grown beard. So is this, like, a month later? Or does Brody have the fastest-growing beard in the history of facial hair? We are confused. Kirstin and Brody drunkenly kiss at Frankie’s request. And then Speidi enters! The couple walks right by everyone without saying hi, and Holly and Stephanie, their closest blood relatives, are offended. Heidi shows Kristin some of her crystals. “This is morganite, close your eyes and see what you feel.” Kristin plays along, caressing the crystal. “This one is for geniuses, it opens your mind to everything; it’s your protection when you’re in a war zone,” says Heidi. Kristin loses interest as we do. Holly talks about kicking Spencer’s “little punk ass bitch,” and then Spencer speaks about how Heidi’s not allowed to do anything but “read and write poetry and pray ” “And read books!” adds Heidi. Wow. Kristin and Brody leave together. The end.
In the final scene, all the girls sans Heidi gather at Kristin’s to discuss the Speidi situation. Lo is nursing a glass of red wine, just like we are! Holly thinks Heidi is brainwashed and talks about how upset their mom is about everything. Stephanie maintains that “my brother is really mean at times, but I think Heidi is manipulative,” and everyone sort of agrees with her that it’s both of them that “took a left turn into legitimate crazy town.” Stephanie starts to cry, and then Holly starts to cry. The girls collectively decide to cut them off. (Everyone seems conflicted about this except for Lo. Ha.) “That’s my sister, that’s the only person in my life that’s always been there since the day she was born. I just feel like she’s gone forever, and I don’t want my family to be this way anymore,” sobs Holly. Tears! Holly’s and ours! Message to our little sister: Don't you ever, ever think about marrying Spencer Pratt Unlike Holly, we would actually follow through on the plan to kidnap you from your home, lock you up, and then arrest Spencer. That is all for this week. We’re pretty much done with this weird show. (Not really, but if it makes us cry again, maybe.)
And now, for our unequivocal Hills reality index!
As real as the astonished stares of people who see Heidi on the street:
Maybe the whole crystal obsession is exaggerated, but Speidi definitely has some bizarre co-dependency, paranoia, and anger issues to deal with.
At this point, there's absolutely no way that Holly is faking her concern for her sister. She made us cry!
Kristin and Brody's hookup, at least the part at the club. Drunk kissing! Whee! Then his statement that "he's really enjoying being single." That's true.
As fake as Stacie the Bartender's mere presence. Didn't she originally come on this show 'cause she had a "thing" with Spencer? Ha. Ha.
We're sure Audrina needed to talk to Ryan in person, at his studio, about coming out with her that night. Because that's the most convenient way to do it, obviously.
The all-cast discussion about what to do about the Speidi situation seemed MTV-generated. Why was Lo there, again?
That morning-after scene with Kristin and Brody — we're pretty sure they did hook up, but Kristin looks too fresh for that to actually be the morning after a blackout. We'd be laid out on the couch moaning, not perkily making fresh-brewed coffee. Impossible.