We have a proposal: Let’s all get together and agree not to call Drew Pinsky, the man who presides over the treatment of sad people on reality shows like Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew, and Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House, Dr. Drew. That name is just too short to do this man justice. When we say “Dr. Drew,” what we really mean is, “Dr. We Would Never Want Anyone We Love to Go to Drew” or “Dr. With Questionable Ethics Drew.” Unfortunately, these titles are too long and awkward to use regularly, as is his more proper title: Drew Pinsky, Reality-TV Star. In the interest of brevity, then, perhaps we could all agree to call him Actor Drew, which we can abbreviate to Ar. Drew as we see fit. Ar. Drew just participated in a roundtable interview with other “reality stars” for The Hollywood Reporter. In this piece, it was revealed that the Jersey Shore house is like a “herpes nest,” and also that Ar. Drew remains inexplicably, exasperatingly, unbearably smug.
Please do not enjoy the following quotes.
In which Ar. Drew does not seem to realize that if he were really behaving responsibly with respect to his patients’ good care, he would probably not let them, mentally unstable addicts all, appear on reality television:
The Hollywood Reporter: What’s the toughest part of your job?
Drew Pinsky: The part that pops into my mind is the fighting I have to do to protect the patients that go on a reality television show. I have to fight to protect that their care is good and that nothing happens to them. Because television doesn’t care about anything except getting eyes. Which is great and I understand that, and I have to capitulate to that because nobody learns anything if nobody watches. But I’m the one that’s responsible to make sure that people get good care.
In which Ar. Drew overtheorizes so we don’t notice that buyers and the health and welfare of his patients are of equal concern to him:
Pinsky: This is what’s interesting about this conversation: You’re serving different gods. I’ve heard at least three different motivational priorities that each of us spontaneously started talking about without even realizing it. We started with the participants; we want them to do well, we want to have a good experience. And then all of a sudden we started talking about the buyers. Then we started talking about the audience, then our production schedule. These are gods that have to get served because everyone signs up to do a television show. So the reality is, you do live a schizophrenic life and it’s dishonest to say otherwise.
In which Ar. Drew smugly admits that he lets people go on his shows all the time, despite having zero idea whether it will be horrible for them:
Pinsky: Let me just say, the psych testing that is done routinely on reality TV is worthless. They are worthless. They’re good tests, done by good people, but we don’t even know what we need to measure to put people on a reality show.
Salsano: I actually find it helpful.
Pinsky: From a medical standpoint: worthless. I got a profile of (“Rehab”participant) Steven Adler and they’re like, “You cannot deal with this man, it’s impossible, he’s going to kill himself.” But I’ve already got him at the hospital, he’s my patient, what are you talking about? I take care of him everyday. It’s not a problem. Give me something useful about what’s likely to happen with cameras (around). But no one knows.
In which Ar. Drew smugly points out that being on-camera doesn’t help people:
Keoghan: But does [being on camera] alter the behavior?
Salsano: Yes, it does.
Pinsky: No, it doesn’t. That’s been studied. If all you do is videotape people and then show them the videos and that changes their behavior, then that’s what (doctors) like me would do. It doesn’t sustain change.