vulture lists

A Guide to the 13 Types of Summer TV

Welcome to the summer, when our favorite shows go dark and our once-clogged DVRs suddenly start picking up old Everybody Loves Raymond episodes just to stay busy. But over the past few years the networks have been stepping up to fill the void with more and more original programming, airing shows specially tailored to appeal to the fact that while we want to watch TV in the hot weather, we don’t want to think very much. As a result, though this season will find more than 85 first-run shows, they’re actually all variations on the same thirteen easy-to-follow TV archetypes. So read on for all your summer viewing options, divided into their common concepts (as well as a special bonus category for those rare unique and intelligent shows that we actually can’t wait to see). Because when July rolls around, do you really care which one out of five reality shows about crazed brides you watch?

Drop Dead Diva: A former model is reincarnated in the body of a plus-size lawyer and learns lessons about inner beauty. (Lifetime, Sundays at 9) Huge: Seven teens are sent to fat camp, where they learn lessons about inner beauty. (ABC Family, premieres 6/28) Dance Your Ass Off: A combo dancing/weight-loss reality show, in which contestants do the mambo and learn lessons about inner beauty. (Oxygen, Mondays at 10) Hung: A struggling, well-endowed single dad and teacher continues his new career as a male prostitute and learns to concentrate on inner beauty or he won’t get paid. (HBO, premieres 6/27) Hard Times of RJ Berger: When word spreads of his enormous penis, a nerdy teen starts to exploit it, and as an adolescent, inner beauty is the last thing on his mind. (MTV, Mondays at 10)
Eureka: A sheriff presides over a town that seems normal but is actually a top-secret government enclave of geniuses and scientists. (SyFy, Fridays at 9) Haven: An FBI agent moves to a town that seems normal but is actually filled with people with supernatural abilities. (SyFy, Fridays at 10) The Glades: A wrongfully disgraced cop moves to a small Florida town that seems normal, but is actually a hotbed of grisly murder. (A&E, premieres 7/11) Unnatural History: A brilliant kid is sent to a school in Washington, D.C., that seems normal but is actually set in a mysterious museum. (Cartoon Network, premieres 6/13) Persons Unknown: A group of strangers wake up in a town that seems normal except that they can’t escape and all there is to eat is Chinese food. (NBC, Mondays at 10) The Gates: A new police chief and his family move into a gated community that seems normal but is actually filled with vampires and other trendy monsters. (ABC, premieres 6/20)
The OCD Project: People with OCD initially resist therapy, and then triumphantly stop washing their hands. (VH1, Thursdays at 10) Obsessed: More people with OCD initially resist therapy, and then triumphantly stop freaking out if someone uses their bathroom. (A&E, premieres 6/28) Losing It With Jillian: Overweight people initially resist a loud trainer’s overdramatic screams, and then triumphantly lose weight. (NBC, Tuesdays at 10) Plain Jane?: Fashionless people initially resist the possibility that they could look good, and then get a triumphant makeover and a hairdo they’re not sure how to maintain. (The CW, premieres 7/28) Dad Camp: Deadbeat dads initially resist supporting their kids, but then triumphantly begin to pay for their food and clothing. Or go to jail. (VH1, Mondays at 11) You’re Cut Off!: Spoiled young women initially resist learning the value of a dollar, but then triumphantly act a tiny bit less like spoiled brats, and sadly now consider the show “work experience.” (VH1, Wednesdays at 9)
Mall Cops: Shoplifting at Sears! (TLC, Thursdays at 10) Ice Road Truckers: Slippery conditions and low gears! (History, premieres 6/13) The Choir: Tough kids nail the note! (BBC America, premieres 7/7) Fabulous Beekman Boys: The organic potatoes and zucchini are in season! (Planet Green, Wednesdays at 9) Pawn Stars: Buy the wedding ring now, before the owner gets a job and comes back! (History, Mondays at 10) Billy the Exterminator: Roof rat dung! (A&E, Wednesdays at 10)
Bridezillas: Brides-to-be are a nightmare! (WeTV, Sundays at 9) Bridal Bootcamp: Hefty brides-to-be are a nightmare! (VH1, premieres 6/9) My Fair Wedding: Wedding planners plus brides-to-be are a nightmare! (WeTV, Sundays at 10) Say Yes to the Dress: Wedding dress salesmen and brides-to-be are a nightmare! (TLC, Fridays at 9) Toddlers and Tiaras: Little girls in pageants are a nightmare! (TLC, Wednesdays at 9) Battle of the Wedding Planners: Wedding planners are a nightmare … though, admittedly, they have a knack for table arrangements! (TLC, Fridays at 10)
The following peacekeepers solve crimes by knowing that sometimes the rules have to go out the window: Memphis Beat: Memphis detectives. (TNT, premieres 6/22) Rookie Blue: Newbie cops. (ABC, premieres 6/24) Rizzoli & Isles: A Boston cop and a medical examiner. (TNT, premieres 7/12) Dark Blue: Undercover L.A. cops. (TNT, premieres 8/14) The Bridge: Police-officer-union reps. (CBS, premieres 7/10) Covert Affairs: CIA agents. (USA, premieres 7/13) Flashpoint: Canadian special-response-unit officers. (CBS, Fridays at 9)
The following peacekeepers quirkily solve crimes and infuriate/amuse more by-the-book cops with their unconventional ways: The Closer: Southern detective in L.A. with an unorthodox interrogation style. (TNT, premieres 7/12) Leverage: Ex-cons with Robin Hood complexes. (TNT, premieres 6/20) Good Guys: Odd-couple cops. (Fox, Mondays at 9) White Collar: Con artist and his FBI-agent handler. (USA, premieres 7/13) Psych: Fake psychic who predated The Mentalist. (USA, premieres 7/14) Lie to Me: Psychologist who notices when people do mental crossies. (Fox, Mondays at 8)
Bethenny’s Getting Married?: Bethenny’s back, with no other housewives to steal her spotlight. (Bravo, Thursdays at 10) Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: The Kardashians are back, with 75 percent fewer family members to steal their spotlight. (E, Sundays at 10) Holly’s World: One of The Girls Next Door is back, with four fewer breasts to steal her spotlight. (E, Sundays at 10:30) Bachelor Pad: Former Bachelor contestants are back, and it’s unclear why there is any spotlight left to be stolen. (ABC, premieres 8/9)
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List: Kathy sure has a lot of misadventures as she schemes for publicity! (Bravo, Tuesdays at 9) Shaq Vs.: Shaq sure has a lot of misadventures as he challenges other athletes at their own games! (ABC, premieres 8/3) Ochocinco: Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco sure has a lot of misadventures as he tries to find a lover! (VH1, premieres 7/11) The T.O. Show: Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens sure has a lot of misadventures as he hops around town buying things! (VH1, premieres 7/11) Celebrity Ghost Stories: Guest stars like Joan Rivers and Scott Baio sure have a lot of misadventures as they exaggerate normal happenings to seem like evidence of poltergeists! (Bio, premieres 7/17)
Melissa and Joey: Aw, remember Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Blossom? Then watch Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence’s new sitcom. (ABC Family, premieres 8/17) Hot in Cleveland: Aw, remember The Golden Girls, One Day at a Time, Frasier, and Just Shoot Me? Then watch Betty White, Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves, and Wendi Malick’s new sitcom. (TV Land, premieres 6/16) Scoundrels: Aw, remember Sideways and how it seemed like Virginia Madsen was finally going to get the break she deserved? Did the Botox ads count? No? Okay, then watch this con-man dramedy. (ABC, premieres 6/20)
HawthoRNe: A group of nurses save lives, get bloody, hook up. (TNT, premieres 6/22) Three Rivers: A group of transplant surgeons (whose show has already been canceled) save lives, get bloody, hook up. (CBS, Thursdays at 8) Miami Medical: A group of trauma-team surgeons save lives and get bloody; as it is an inspirational reality show, showing any hooking up would be to spit in the face of Hippocrates. (CBS, Fridays at 9)
Wipeout: If you don’t fall over, you win. (ABC, premieres 6/22) Downfall: If you don’t fall off a building, you win. (ABC, Saturdays at 10) A Minute to Win It: If you can unravel a toilet paper roll in a minute, you win. (NBC, premieres 7/7) Dating in the Dark: If you can sit in a dark room and pretend you’re making a “connection,” you win. (ABC, premieres 8/9) Big Brother: If you sit around a house the longest, you win. (CBS, premieres 7/8) America’s Got Talent: If you can sing or dance well, or better than your looks imply — in which case the judges will cry and your video will go viral — you win. (NBC, premieres 7/7)
Top Chef: Contestants make delicious food … that you can’t eat. (Bravo, premieres on 6/16) Hell’s Kitchen: Gordon Ramsay uses tough love to get mediocre professional chefs to make delicious food … that you can’t eat. (Fox, Tuesdays at 8) Masterchef: Ramsay uses tough love to get untrained chefs to make delicious food … that you can’t eat. (Fox, premieres 7/27) Inedible to Incredible: A horrible cook first makes bad food you wouldn’t want to eat, but then learns to make delicious food … that you can’t eat. (TLC, premieres 6/21) Cupcake Dream: Bakers make delicious cupcakes … that you can’t eat. (TLC, premieres 7/1) Cake Boss: Loudmouthed bakers with voices you can hear make tasty pastries that you can’t eat. (TLC, Mondays at 9)
Mad Men: Will Draper and Co.’s new agency get back the Hilton account? And will Don’s womanizing lose its thrill when he has no wife to cheat on? (AMC, premieres 7/25) True Blood: In its third season, True Blood manages to accomplish the impossible feat of making vampires and werewolves seem fresh. (HBO, Sundays at 9) Weeds: Though it sometimes crosses the line of campiness, we’re still looking forward to seeing Mary Louise Parker slink her way back into our hearts. (Showtime, premieres 8/16) Jersey Shore: Snooki and the Situation return for a second season of creeping, tanning, making out, and making us laugh in spite of ourselves. (MTV, premieres 7/29) Rescue Me: The show’s final two seasons (nineteen more episodes over this year and next) begin, and it should be a lot easier to wrap up than Lost. (FX, premieres 6/29) Futurama: Seven years and four specials after its cancellation by Fox, new episodes resume. (Comedy Central, premieres 6/24) Childrens Hospital: Rob Corddry’s absurdist web series send-up of medical dramas has made it to television … and a 30-minute running time. (Adult Swim, premieres 7/11) Delocated: Also bumped up to a half-hour is Jon Glaser’s hilarious, mockumentaried adventures of a ski-masked ex-con in witness protection. (Cartoon Network, premieres 8/22) The Big C: Laura Linney plays a woman diagnosed with terminal cancer, with Gabourey Sidibe as her student. (Showtime, premieres 8/16) Rubicon: James Badge Dale stars as a brilliant federal intelligence analyst who gets involved in a complicated corruption scandal. Bonus points for Glee fans: He looks just like Mr. Schue. (AMC, premieres 8/1)
A Guide to the 13 Types of Summer TV