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The Hills Recap: What Happens in Costa ...

So last night’s episode, again, was low on plot and drama, and even Allie Lutz took the week off (we half expected her to stow away in the cargo area of the plane, hide out with the baby monkeys in a jungle tree, and, with a loud Tarzan yell, jump out and tackle Kristin during her romantic walk with Will). The gang went down to Costa Rica on a spring break–type trip, and everyone was on his or her best behavior. We went on a few spring breaks in our day — Jamaica, where we burned a hand print shape onto our stomach after an unfortunate sunblock mishap; the Bahamas, where we stayed at Club Med and binged on all-you-can-drink wine and beer; and Acapulco, where we had panic attacks in the massive, massive nightclubs after realizing how easily we could all be stomped to death (we survived, miraculously). The Hills Goes to Costa Rica had that same familiar vibe of wondering who’s going to hook up with whom, and everyone looking hung-over and puffy in the morning. Ah, college. And even though we have so-so memories of spring break, watching these responsibility-less characters surf, hike, and make out with random bartenders made us nostalgic for our fast-disappearing youth. On with it!

The gang arrives on a Nature Air chartered plane (one thing we don't miss from college: scary chartered planes), and once they land, Stephanie remarks that, "It's like Jurassic Park!" Stephanie has been relegated to the comic-relief role this week, which is a welcome change from her general dourness this season. "They have gorillas here? That’s not cool, gorillas attack people!" she continues. Everyone kind of giggles because Stephanie is dumb. The resort they're staying at is in the middle of the jungle and looks very nice (and probably free. We are jealous). Steph asks Audrina if it's weird that Justin is there with them, and Aud admits that it is, a little. Kristin posits that Justin and Audrina will hook up. "What happens in Costa, goes straight back to home," he says, hilariously. Justin is the only one we'll miss when The Hills comes to an end (which is really soon! Two more weeks! Praise the Lord! We can't believe it! Our job is almost done! What will we do with our life?! Everything will become meaningless! We'll fall into a depression! Help us!).

Credits.

Kristin and Stacie, lying in a mud puddle, decide that Kristin should flirt with every guy on the trip, so as not to let Brody win. Kristin is still in the habit of denying her true love for Brody, until she's drunk, which she isn't yet ... but now she is! Everyone's taking blue shots at the resort bar, and you just know that someone's going to be puking up blue vomit the next day. Gross. Justin starts flirting with Audrina — "You're so cute with your little hair up" — and she tells him that he's making her uncomfortable. So, of course, he grabs her butt as he walks away. "Two cheeks," explains Audrina. How is that even possible? That man is a superhero.

So Kristin and Brody flirt and fight and it's all getting redundant. He calls her his "little sister," and she gets pissed and complains to his friend Charlie/Taylor. "In my small mind, I’ve been like, maybe ... maybe," Kristin drunkenly admits, which is kind of sweet and sad at the same time. Charlie has no comfort to give. So Kristin starts to aggressively hit on the cute bartender, Will, and everyone ends up in a club in Costa Rica, which basically looks like L.A. transplanted to an exotic beach. Also, Brody is wearing a ski hat. In Costa Rica. It begins to storm and everyone dances in the rain ecstatically, and it reminds us of Maryann's crazed sex parties on True Blood, but with fewer demons and more boob jobs.

The next day is packed with activities, but no actual plot development. "I feel like I'm on Survivor. There's, like, bushes and spiders," says Stephanie. If you were on Survivor, something would be happening, like a race or someone getting eaten by bugs. But you're on The Hills, so instead we get some surfing shots and three girls on a four-wheeler. And cute baby crabs and monkeys. Sigh. The girls attempt to surf, not because they want to, but to prove the guys wrong. "A lot of guys expect girls to lay out on the beach and not do anything," says Audrina, while lying on the beach and not doing anything. Then she tries surfing, and it looks fun! Oh, vacation — so much more fun than sitting in your apartment and transcribing the deep thoughts of Audrina Patridge.

Will the bartender joins everyone at dinner that night, which is just kind of absurd, and we are treated to an amazing Justin Bobby speech. Audrina accuses him of acting weird the other night. "Well, I had my reasons why I wasn’t coming up and being the normal me toward you. You have a situation going on that I don’t even want to interfere with. You have some baggage right now ... I don’t know if I can be my normal self, or flirty, like, hey, hi, or keep my distance, you know?" Audrina interrupts. "We’re friends now!" But Justin's not having it. "I don’t know how to do it. Whatever it is, it is, whatever it will be, it will be." That is so true, JB. So true. We've clipped the scene below for your viewing pleasure.

Back up at the bar, Brody warns Kristin off of Will, but she resists. To get revenge, he proposes this toast: "To Kristin, the little sister ... who I have sex with!" It is totally inappropriate, yet pretty funny, and makes us remember why we used to like Brody. Kristin retaliates by pulling Will aside and making out with him in front of everyone. "It's weird kissing a lip ring," she muses, mid-Frenching. "I like it."

The last day of the trip, after Stephanie has been chased by some nonexistent spiders, everyone hikes out to a waterfall. "It's not the bugs I'm worried about! Now we're in the jungle, it's cheetahs and lions," says Steph, forgetting that the only place she should worry about big cats is way closer to home, at Les Deux (free that tiger! free that tiger!). The waterfall is awesome, but even more awesome is the fact that JB is wearing a Speedo and does cannonballs into the water. We end with what must be the final exchange between Justin and Audrina. "Would you come again? No?" he asks her while they're waiting for Nature Air. "Not with you," says Audrina, matter-of-factly. Justin scrunches up his pretty face. "That's cool, man," he says. And that, folks, is the end of a great American romance.

And now, our unequivocal Hills reality index!

As real as drunkenly trying to make someone jealous and miserably failing to do so:
Stephanie is indeed afraid of bugs. Those piercing screams could not be faked.
Justin and Audrina did not hook up, that is true ...
... and he did pinch her butt (both cheeks!), and that is amazing.

As fake as a group of twentysomethings taking a group trip to a luxury resort in Costa Rica:

Oh, Will, we liked you in your bartender role, but have a hard time believing you're not a struggling actor, cast by MTV.
Justin joining the trip was a genius, albeit staged, touch.
Where is everybody else in Costa Rica? Are we really to believe that The Hills cast are the only inhabitants?

Photo: MTV