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The Hills Recap: No More Seats

It's a rare Hills episode that sparks any sort of call back to our favorite movie of all time (and yours, too), Dirty Dancing. Plainly put, The Hills is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, makes-you-feel dirty-for-watching reality-TV show (which, obviously, we're all addicted to), and Dirty Dancing is — yay! — a fantastic, joy-inducing, classic film to which we can dance along. They really have nothing in common other than a female narrator and the existence of a selfish sister or two. So last night, amid all the horrid, drunken yelling, we were happily surprised when Kristin, in backing up her story of how psycho Allie broke into Brody's apartment, pulled a line from the Dirty Dancing playbook. "I've never broken into Brody's house," said Allie. "I was in the bed, sweetheart," Kristin replied, trumping Allie's story immediately. There was a collective gasp from the peanut gallery as Kristin and Brody's friends-with-benefits situation was revealed, but, like Baby, Kristin only did it in the name of truth!

Okay, fine, so it wasn't really like Dirty Dancing, considering Kristin isn't (a) a bookish Jew on her way to Mount Holyoke in the fall; (b) confessing that she lost her virginity (to a dance instructor!) to her father, of all people; (c) trying to save the summer job of someone she loves. The actual scene in Dirty Dancing goes as such: [Baby and her father (we miss you Jerry Orbach!) and Neil and Max Kellerman are sitting at a table, discussing a recent spate of wallet thefts around the Catskill resort area.]
Max: I got an eyewitness and the kid [Johnny] has no alibi. Come on, Neil. You'll learn
what it's like to fire an employee.
Baby: Wait a minute. I know Johnny didn't take the wallet. I know because he was
in his room all night. [Dramatic pause.] And the reason I know is because I was with him.

Big reveal! Just like Kristin!

Do we actually have to get to The Hills recap now? We do? Okay, okay. Coming right up.

In the opening scene, Kristin and Stacie are getting their hair done (Stacie's "like Pocahontas!") and discussing Stephanie's birthday party that night, Audrina and Justin, and the status of Brody and McKaela. "While Ryan's away, Audrina will play," says Kristin, echoing Justin Bobby's line from last week. Then she repeats a line that Brody has said ... twice. "He's enjoying being single." Okay, writers, it's time to mix it up a bit! Or at least vary your word use. Brody's ... having a good time dating. Or he's relishing his singledom. Or he's delighted to be hooking up with randoms. You get the idea.

Credits!

First let's talk about the love triangle that is Audrina and Justin and Spike, about which Audrina has been using her best "distressed" look in order to convey her, you know, distress (it's not quite a frown, but more like a settled expression, as if her face is covered in clay). She and Stephanie are shopping, and she confesses to Steph that Justin is still on her mind. "He was just, like, flirty, like he always is," she says to a bemused Steph, who advises she keep her distance. "I know ... it’s just these little things that keep popping in my head," says a confused Audrina. Aw, such little things — sad.

When Ryan gets back from his "tour," Aud goes to meet him in a bar, tipping his pool stick to surprise him. "You scared me, I was like, 'Am I about to get in a brawl?'" says Ry-Ry. As we've mentioned before, those hair spikes (bigger still! amazing!) would be a good weapon for a brawl of any kind. So they have another relationship talk, this time with Audrina trying to backpedal. "I’ve been thinking a lot about us, questioning everything, is this right? You’re going to go on tour — you should be able to do whatever you want to do. With the girls, and drinking, and drinking too much." Silly Audrina, Ryan Cabrera is no Mick Jagger, no Keith Richards, no Akon ... come on, with that hair, his groupies must be few and far between. He assures her that he's in love with her, but she tells him she still needs to think ...

Over at Justin's motorcycle shop! He's looking kind of sickly, we're sorry to say, though his Harley Davidson is finally ready to roll. "It just needs a seat," observes the eagle-eyed Aud. "No more seats!" replies Justin. "Did you tell Spikey you saw me that night?" he asks. "We're arguing too much," says Audrina. "That could be never good ... it needs to not be about that at all," says JB, in fine sagelike, grammatically incorrect form. "Actions speak louder than words," says Aud. "How is his actions?" counters Justin, who is suffering from some sort of singular versus plural blind spot. Audrina shrugs. "There are certain people you see that are meant, and there are certain people that you see, you can just tell. Not saying whatever, take that for what it is. You can tell, you can tell when two people are really happy," he finishes, looking at Audrina meaningfully. She seems to understand what he means, which is impressive, because even after numerous rereadings, we are left baffled. But that's why we love Justin Bobby.

So Kristin and McKaela and Brody are also involved in a love triangle of sorts, which can be summed up as: They both love Brody and he's "enjoying being single." Lo invites intern McKaela to Stephanie's b-day party, and obviously she shows and brings along a friend named Allie Lutz, with whom Kristin has a, er, rocky past. "I hate her with a passion. She’s the dumbest girl on the planet," explains Kristin, and in this crowd, that means something. Brody elaborates with the story of how Allie left a ring at his house (we assume they were hooking up at one point?), and then it got stolen when he had a party. She returned to retrieve her ring, used his gate code to get in his house, and stood over his bed, woke him up, and yelled at him to get her ring back. Kristin calls her a "psycho bitch," and that story, confirmed by Kristin's Dirty Dancing–like confession, proves that Allie is, indeed, psycho. Kristin and Allie have it out at the bar. "I’m here with McKaela to support a friend. So if you have any beef with her … ," starts Allie, who, in Kristin's words, looks like "a 45-year-old stripper who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day." There's also something wrong with her mouth. The girls continue to fight, and when Brody gets up to leave, McKaela follows him. "I just want respect from you," she says, as her friend claws Kristin in the background. He's not having it, and he and Kristin storm out together.

We don't understand McKaela yet. Is she conniving? Is she innocent? Is she, as Kristin suspects, dumb? She and Allie meet the next day, and Allie apologizes for not telling her about the fact that Kristin and Brody hate her. "I guess I should have warned you, and I’m sorry I didn’t give you more information; how old are we now? It’s not high school anymore." Allie then denies breaking into Brody's house. "You've been nothing but so kind to me," says McKaela, whose writer continually fails to pick up on the nuances of twentysomething speak. When was the last time you heard someone use the word "kind"?

So McKaela calls a meeting with Kristin, which goes just like you'd think it would; McKaela acting naïve and Kristin guzzling wine. "People in L.A. take advantage of sweet girls like you," counsels Kristin. And by people, she means "MTV." Take heed, McKaela!

And now, our unequivocal Hills reality index!

As real as Lo's halfhearted defense of McKaela ("You guys, I invited her; she’s so nice"):
When Audrina calls Kristin and Brody "soul mates," Kristin does not deny it. KRISTIN: Did you not hear us last week when we told you to move on?
It's true, Smashbox does send out gift bags to "celebrities, beauty editors, and PR." Please also send one to us, thankyouverymuch.
Justin has clearly renounced seats of every kind. That man doesn't lie.

As fake as Justin and Audrina's rekindled romance:
When they were shopping, Stephanie buys (and eats!) some candy. Come on, candy? That girl hasn't eaten a piece of candy in years.
Which MTV producer introduced McKaela and Allie and told them that from now on, they'd be the best of friends? Show yourself!
That toast to Stephanie at her party. No one really likes Stephanie. Poor, crazy, DUI-laden Stephanie.

Photo: MTV